Agnes
- Known Aliases:
- Ag
- Age:
- 38
- Current Address:
- Two Rivers, Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Miss Masters School for Girls. Ohio University, BA in Journalism.
- Work History:
- Journalist for the lifestyles section of the Cincinnati Enquirer, later promoted to columnist as “Cranky Agnes.” Wrote book called Mob Food for St. Martin’s Press.
- Current Occupation:
- Writing her “Cranky Agnes” column and working on The Two Rivers Cookbook with chef Taylor Beaufort.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Anger problem, but her court-appointed psychiatrist was a huge help.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Very healthy except for occasional rises in blood pressure when she wants to kill somebody.
- Personal Relationships:
- Engaged to Taylor Beaufort but it’s not working out.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- She hits people with frying pans. But only when they deserve it.
- Hobbies:
- Rehabbing her house before it falls down around her ears.
- Favorite Music:
- Dixie Chicks.
- Secret:
- She’s so lonely she could die.
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Shane
- Known Aliases:
- Shane
- Age:
- 34
- Current Address:
- Wherever his next target is located.
- Previous Military Experience: 8
- 2nd Airborne. 2d Ranger Battalion.
- Education:
- Castle Military Academy (for wayward boys). Iraq; Afghanistan.
- Work History:
- Infantry platoon leader. Recon platoon leader. Ranger company commander. Classified. Classified. Read further and we’ll kill you.
- Special Skills:
- Shooting; shooting, knife work, poisons, is working on killing with his pinkie.
- Current Occupation:
- You don’t want to know.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Intimacy issues, control issues, woman issues, family issues. He’s a mess.
- Medical Evaluation:
- He's breathing.
- Personal Relationships:
- Has no close relationships. Respects his partner, Carpenter, and has strong feelings for his uncle, Joey Torcelli. Not necessarily good feelings.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- He kills people for a living.
- Hobbies:
- What are hobbies? Classic movies. One classic movie. Guess?
- Favorite Music:
- What’s music?
- Secret:
- He wants to stop killing people for a living.
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Joey “The Gent” Torcelli
- Known Aliases:
- The Gent.
- Age:
- 62.
- Current Address:
- “Joey’s Diner” in Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- The streets of New Jersey with a graduate degree from The Fortunato ‘Family.’
- Work History:
- Loan shark, enforcer, petty thief, not-so-petty thief, owns a diner. Still loan sharks. But don’t tell anyone. Unless they want to place a bet.
- Special Skills:
- Cooking. Killing.
- Current Occupation:
- Owns and runs Joey’s Diner.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Has calmed down with the years, but don’t get him excited.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Weak heart, normal problems associated with aging.
- Personal Relationships:
- Closest relationship is with Agnes Crandall. Wishes he were closer to his nephew Shane. Misses his best buddy, Frankie ‘Two Hands’ Fortunato.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Knows too many secrets, particularly about Shane.
- Hobbies: Cooking.
- Horse racing.
- Favorite Music:
- Frank.
- Secret:
- He knows where a lot of bodies are buried. Because he buried them.
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Lisa Livia Fortunato
- Known Aliases:
- LL
- Age:
- 38
- Current Address:
- The Baby Belle in the marina at Keyes, SC, but only until she can get the hell out again.
- Education:
- Miss Master’s School for Girls. Life.
- Work History:
- Secretary, administrative assistant, and finally vice president of Marvin Investments. She runs the place because Marvin has the charm of George Hamilton but the brains of George Costanza.
- Special Skills:
- Shutting down the opposition. Killer mouth.
- Current Occupation:
- VP of Marvin Investments.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Driven to succeed, passionate about her daughter, loathes her mother. High energy, but only just under control.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Healthy and intending to stay that way.
- Personal Relationships:
- One bad romantic relationship twenty years ago with a mobster named Johnny who is now gone, thank you, with several not-serious-at-all relationships since then. Primary attachments are her adored daughter Maria and her best friend Agnes. Don’t ask about Mom.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Sometimes in her drive to get what she wants, she runs people down.
- Hobbies:
- Succeeding.
- Favorite Music:
- Dixie Chicks.
- Secret:
- She’s beginning to re-evaluate her life.
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Carpenter
- Known Aliases:
- That is an alias.
- Age:
- 33
- Current Address:
- Wherever Shane is going to kill people.
- Education:
- Rene LaFavre’s Divinity School.
- Work History:
- CSI investigator for New York City. Now works for ‘you don’t want to know’.
- Special Skills:
- Cleans crime scenes better than Merry Maids.
- Current Occupation:
- Cleaner for Shane.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Centered and sane.
- Medical Evaluation:
- His body is a temple.
- Personal Relationships:
- Lisa Livia looks pretty good to him.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- He helps Shane kill people.
- Hobbies:
- Nature, reading, meditating.
- Favorite Music:
- Various chants.
- Secret:
- He’d rather build things than clean.
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Taylor Beaufort
- Known Aliases:
- It’s all he can do to remember “Taylor.”
- Age:
- 40
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Keyes Public Schools. Various restaurant kitchens around Keyes.
- Work History:
- Worked his way through every restaurant in eastern South Carolina, stealing the best of everything he found including secret recipes and assorted kitchen equipment.
- Special Skills:
- Charm. Can cook anything and make it wonderful. Deceit.
- Current Occupation:
- Head chef at the Inn on the Island.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Narcissist. Manipulator. Selfish, dishonorable, and annoying.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Healthy. He knows nutrition, plus doesn’t want anything damaging that great body or great face.
- Personal Relationships:
- Engaged to Agnes, married to Brenda, totally devoted to himself.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Has a small problem with honor: he has none.
- Hobbies:
- Lying. Cheating. Cooking.
- Favorite Music:
- Toby Keith.
- Secret:
- He wants to be the next Hot Celebrity Boy Toy Chef on Food TV and he thinks sticking with Agnes and her book will get him there.
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Brenda Fortunato Dupres
- Known Aliases:
- Baby
- Age:
- 58
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Saint Maria of Hopeless Causes
- Work History:
- A lady does not work outside the home. Except on her social-climbing and power-grubbing.
- Special Skills:
- Cooking. Sex. Removing anyone who stand in her path.
- Current Occupation:
- Widowed. Tragically. Three times.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Solipsistic. Driven. Sociopathic. Charming as all hell.
- Medical Evaluation:
- She’s gonna live forever unless somebody gets fed up with her and does something about it.
- Personal Relationships:
- Married to Taylor Beaufort, whom she doesn’t trust; loves her daughter and her granddaughter, but there’s a limit.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Hits people with frying pans. But only once.
- Hobbies: Gossip.
- Social climbing. Plotting.
- Favorite Music:
- Gene Pitney’s “Town Without Pity.”
- Secret:
- There’s one in the basement, one hidden on her yacht, one in the woods . . . there are so many.
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Maria Fortunato
- Known Aliases:
- The Princess.
- Age:
- 19
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Miss Master’s School for Girls.
- Work History:
- Waitress at the Shady Acres Country Club.
- Special Skills:
- Organization and management. Of everything she encounters.
- Current Occupation:
- Getting married.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Tough as nails but very balanced psychologically, a first for the Fortunatos.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Incredibly, glowingly healthy.
- Personal Relationships:
- Engaged to Palmer Keyes, engaged in time old struggle with her mother.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Tends to act on impulse, leaning toward the Fortunato self-centeredness.
- Hobbies:
- Shopping and managing her fiancé.
- Favorite Music:
- Neko Case, The New Pornographers
- Secret:
- She’s crazy in love with Palmer but isn’t sure he loves her that way.
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Palmer Keyes
- Known Aliases:
- The Heir To The Keyes Fortune
- Age:
- 30
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Groton. Yale. Every golf course he could find.
- Work History:
- Went to work at Green Designs after graduate school, bought them out a year later with his mother’s backing, paid her back with interest within two years, now known as the rising young designer to watch in the golf business.
- Special Skills:
- Could turn the parking lot at Burger King into a five-star golf course.
- Current Occupation:
- Golf Course Designer; his latest triumph is the Flamingo Course in Florida.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Stable but easily distracted. Dreams about golf.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Healthy as an extremely well-bred, show quality horse.
- Personal Relationships:
- Engaged to Maria Fortunato.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- He’s so well-bred sometimes he forgets he’s human.
- Hobbies:
- Golf.
- Favorite Music:
- A. C. Newman, The New Pornographers.
- Secret:
- He isn’t sure Maria loves him but he’s going to marry her anyway.
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Evelyn Beale Keyes
- Known Aliases:
- Evie
- Age:
- 53
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Keyes Public Schools.
- Work History:
- Married Jefferson Keyes and never looked back. Much.
- Special Skills:
- Entertaining, dressing well, running Keyes.
- Current Occupation:
- The First Lady of Keyes.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Miserable but anesthetizing her feelings with money and power.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Migraines. Insomnia.
- Personal Relationships:
- Married to Franklin Keyes and pretending he doesn’t lie and cheat; adores her sons especially her youngest, Palmer.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- She’s trying so hard to pretend that she’s well-bred sometimes she forgets she’s human.
- Hobbies:
- The Junior League. Gardening. Making the little people pay.
- Favorite Music:
- Patsy Cline.
- Secret:
- She’s damn tired of being Evie Keyes and thinks she might have made a mistake twenty-five years ago when she turned down Simon Xavier’s proposal underneath that oak tree at Two Rivers. Always been glad she didn’t turn down the rest of what he suggested.
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Simon Xavier
- Known Aliases:
- Bloodhound.
- Age:
- 55
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Keyes Community College.
- Work History:
- Deputy sheriff, detective.
- Special Skills:
- Detecting liars, fishing for evidence, waiting.
- Current Occupation:
- Chief detective.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Very focused on his job, almost obsessive, sometimes to the detriment of his personal life.
- Medical Evaluation:
- He’s breathing. Eats lots of fried food. But he’s southern so that’s normal.
- Personal Relationships:
- His pal, Joey Torcelli. Person he misses the most: His ex-girlfriend, Evie Beale.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Evie Beale is married to the richest man in town, who’s a jerk.
- Hobbies:
- Fishing. Both for fish and evidence.
- Favorite Music:
- Frank. Joey introduced him to it. Only plays it in his classic Mercedes, doesn’t want anyone else to know he listens to the man.
- Secret:
- He’s still in love with Evie Beale.
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Robbie Hammond
- Known Aliases:
- The Sheriff’s dumbfuck nephew.
- Age:
- 25
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- Keyes Community College.
- Work History:
- Deputy sheriff, detective.
- Special Skills:
- Can drive a car pretty good.
- Current Occupation:
- Assistant to Xavier.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Generally happy due to complete lack of inner life or self-examination.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Healthy as a plow horse.
- Personal Relationships:
- His uncle, Xavier, and the girl he can’t forget: Maria Fortunato.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- He’ll do just about anything to get Maria back.
- Hobbies:
- Fishing. TV. Sex.
- Favorite Music:
- Rush
- Secret:
- He wants Xavier’s job.
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Garth Thibault
- Known Aliases:
- Three Wheels.
- Age:
- 17
- Current Address:
- Keyes, SC.
- Education:
- The Swamp, Keyes Community College.
- Work History:
- Whatever his grandpa tells him to do.
- Special Skills:
- Theft. Running. Thinking on his feet while running.
- Current Occupation:
- Breathing.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- The best thing to ever come out of one of the finest criminal families in Keyes, thanks to his very smart mama.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Needs better food and a safe place to sleep, but otherwise, he’s healthy.
- Personal Relationships:
- His grandpa who sends him out with a gun to dognap and his cousins who are all mean as hell. Could use some new people in his life.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Honesty is not his byword.
- Hobbies:
- Avoiding get beat up by his cousins. Survival.
- Favorite Music:
- Credence. Skynard. Kansas. Metallica and AC/DC. He’d kill for an iPod.
- Secret:
- He’s really like to stay in school.
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Casey Dean
- Known Aliases:
- Unknown.
- Age:
- Unknown.
- Current Address:
- Unknown.
- Work History:
- Unknown.
- Special Skills:
- Unknown.
- Current Occupation:
- Hitman
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Unknown.
- Medical Evaluation:
- Unknown.
- Personal Relationships:
- A woman partner.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- Keeps trying to kill Shane.
- Hobbies:
- Unknown. Lately, antagonizing Shane.
- Secret:
- Everything.
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Lionel Wilson
- Known Aliases:
- The Boss
- Age:
- 83
- Current Address:
- Washington DC
- Education:
- Yale.
- Work History:
- OSS World War II. Classified ever since.
- Special Skills:
- Leadership. Decision making. Does whatever it takes to get the job done.
- Current Occupation:
- The Boss.
- Psychological Evaluation:
- Classified
- Medical Evaluation:
- Breathing.
- Personal Relationships:
- None.
- Troublesome Footnote:
- He always holds some information back.
- Hobbies:
- His job.
- Favorite Music:
- It’s a waste of his time.
- Secret:
- Classified.
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