SHE WROTE: Such Nice People

Just got back from a pig pickin' party which is eating barbeque with really nice people including my old pal, Mary Alice Monroe, who's as much fun as ever. And of course, Bob. Somebody at the pig pickin' asked how collaborating on a book had affected our marriage. I'm starting to think maybe we should just go ahead and tie the knot. It would save all that time explaining. "No, we're not together. We barely know each other. Who is he again?" We did our collaboration talk today, and people were so great. And now I'm starting to worry that maybe this is really a town of serial killers and they're lulling us into a false sense of security because everybody here is SO nice. EVERYBODY. I haven't met one person here who isn't warm and friendly. Well, you know, besides Bob.

And then we came back and worked on Agnes because once again, Bob's strong guy plot has left my wimpy girl plot in the dust which is my fault. And he's more than willing to wait while I catch up, in fact he's trying hard to help, spraining his own plot to help mine because he can fix any plot even if I shoot holes in it, but we're running out of time here and he is tapping his watch. But we have made some progress, so to clear up the confusion that seems to be surrounding the plot . . .

Agnes is writing a book called Southern Mob Food. She's a columnist but she sold this book and now she's at the last chapter which is going to be the most important; in fact, if this chapter doesn't get written, they won't publish the book, and Agnes will be broke and will the lose the house into which she's just sunk all her money. And the last chapter (in Agnes's book, not ours, although come to think of it, it is in ours, too) is "A Southern Mob Wedding" and Agnes is actually putting on a real Southern Mob wedding at her house which is her Goal. And the Big Bad is trying to . . . well, I can't tell you that part because it's a spoiler. But there's a Big Bad who's out to get Our Agnes.

So as the book opens, a masked man bursts into Agnes's kitchen and points a gun at her dog. Yes, it used to be a hitman but not now. And Agnes throws hot raspberry sauce at him and then whacks him with her frying pan and death ensues. The second scene is Shane in a bar about to do an assignment which is to whack a guy upstairs. Shane does not work for the mob, Shane works for the SGA. Which stands for Secret Government Agency. We're still in the first draft, people. We can figure out a better name for the agency later.

So Agnes is a food columnist/author and Shane is the SGA hitman of the title. And there are more hitmen to come. The book is lousy with hitmen. And Southern Mob Food, which my invaluable Cousin Russ is cogitating on even now. One nice surprise: I had the bride want Italian Cream Cake for her wedding because I love Italian Cream Cake, and Russ said, "You know, Italian Cream Cake isn't Italian." I said, "Oh, hell, what is it?" He said, "Southern.'

Sometimes it just all comes together, you know?

But to get back to the South Carolina Book Festival people, we are having the best time. And Debby, who made the chenille Moot, just referred to her as Angelian Reptile because of the set of lips she put on her, and now she's Angelina Reptile to me. Moot's best friend, Angelina Reptile.

Bob, meanwhile, squirms at the whimsy of it all. But Debby gave him a six-pack in his welcome basket so he thinks she's the best.

So the South Carolina Book Festival people are the nicest people ever. Or serial killers.

I may have been writing with Bob too long.