Warning: Some Violence and Much Strong Language.HE WROTE: da Business
Jennifer and I decided we shouldn't post blog entries when we're ticked, so this one might get pulled.
First, the black M&Ms were a joke. We got this detailed list from our wonderful publicist at SMP forwarding a questionnaire from Borders regarding the signings we were doing at their stores during the tour with questions like:
Does the author need a special brand of pen? Yes, one that writes.
Does the author require a certain type of drink and/or food? Which is where the black M&Ms came in, only between Jenny and I, of course.
Will the author sign his/her backlist? To which Jenny answered "We'll sign their knees if they show up."
(Actually, I used to get my leg signed every year in Maui by all the female authors at the end of the Retreat when we all sat at this long table. I've had Dorothy Allison, Elizabeth George, Liz Engstrom, Susan Wiggs, Jenny, Karen Joy Fowler, Nancy Holder {not that I'm name-dropping or nothing, etc. etc. sign} Last year Gail Tsukiyama signed on my thigh, moving upwards and she has a long name. Shame on you Gail.)
Does he/she require security? Uh, Yeah. When Gail is around. Bad girl, Gail.
Actually it's very nice of Borders to ask. I imagine there are authors out there who get miffed at whatever and expect special treatment. I actually think the readers are the most important people at a booksigning, not the authors.
The M&M's thing comes from I believe it was Aerosmith that used to ask for M&Ms in their dressing room but with one of the colors removed. I believe they did it as a test to see if anyone actually read their contract.
The questionnaire ends with Borders saying they just want the author to be happy. Har. Har. Like any sick, demented, twisted person who becomes an author can be happy. I always say authors are not in the bell curve and we aint necessarily on the good side of the curve, either.
We're just happy to be out there and pushing the book. Wait, we're authors. We're insanely happy to be out there and pushing the book.
Ok, no longer ticked. But I just had a series of email exchanges with an old agent regarding payment for a couple of manuscripts I delivered late last year. I have yet to receive acceptance payment on either. Hell, I haven't received outline payment on one of them, and I delivered a complete manuscript in December.
I've decided 'no more Mr. Nice guy' in my business dealings. Because nice guys don't get paid. I had one agent with whom I spent a couple of months trying to track down a check only to find the agent had deposited it before we even tried tracking it down. It wasn't an attempt to rip me off, but rather incompetence in the agent's office. Which is not MY problem. Except it became my problem.
I'd always say "Well, whatever" and then get treated like whatever. Hmm, which I just did at the beginning of this post with regard to the questionnaire from Borders. I didn't answer any of the questions and just said: Hell, we're happy to be there.
But that's different. Because that was the other Bob. The one over there.
I'm working on CHASING THE GHOST and feeling better about it each day. Almost ready to send the proposal in to my new agent to get her opinion. And honestly, I have no clue how she'll react. That's the weird thing about this business in that there are no sure things. She might love it, she might have suggestions, she might see it as hopeless. You see, it doesn't get any easier. Hopefully, I've become better as a writer over the years, especially the last year and a half, working with what's-her-name who still has the Master of Agnes and won't give it back.
The Gator Tour is in San Diego this weekend. In Friday. Out on Sunday. Search and destroy. Then two full weeks until the book is out and the real tour begins. I'm working on our bookstore song-and-dance routine because I have never, ever, read out loud from one of my books to an audience. Arggghh. You ever get stuck in a keynote where the author reads Chapter 12 of their latest opus? Argghhh. Unless it's really, really, really good. We're going to be Funny and Charming. Recount amusing antecdotes about the book and writing it. Then sign knees. And thighs.
27 Comments:
Thank you, thank you, thank you . . . from someone who has had to sit through the never-ending keynote lecture (especially one you paid to listen to)that includes READING a paper or book or whatever.
Funny and charming is a good plan.
Be sure to sign with waterproof markers and not sharpies ;-) to avoid those messy lawsuits.
And, M&M's aside, any chocolate will do. Trust me.
Oh no. Authors should never read their own work aloud. I've sat through that before and I do believe the voice in their head doesn't match the one I'm hearing. But I usually get a nice nap out of it.
If you're nice (and I know you might object to that label, maybe easy-going is better?), anyway, if you're nice and easy going, you get walked all over. I'm not giving advice to a former super soldier, but whenever I get 'screwed' be it by car mechanics, airlines (grrrr), banks, I get my very firm husband to phone up for me (LOL I'm such a wimp, but I can give you his number??). Suddenly the impossible becomes possible! Must be his Irish accent.
There--it is official--I'm a coward!!!
They really asked you if you needed security? I remember Andy McNab having to do really quiet book signings in Fife because they were worried about the IRA. Weird world we live in.
What does one wear to have their thigh signed? I can see knees and shorts, but thighs? Hmmmm
See you Friday
Ah Bob, the thing is, you should NEVER joke about chocolate of any kind around females. Sends us on a tangent. Now you have to provide camo M&Ms at your book signings. See what you started?
"What does one wear to have their thigh signed? I can see knees and shorts, but thighs?"
A skirt with a really high side-slit? Oh, wait, it was Bob who got his thigh signed...
:-)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for not reading aloud. Be funny and charming. Or just funny. That would work just fine. Or maybe just read some blog entries, that might work.
The only author EVER allowed to read his own work aloud is Neil Gaiman, but I think that has just as much to do with his British accent than his writing. Aaaaaaaaah, the accent....
I've long suspected that the rooms the speakers retire to during writer conferences were dens of daubachery. Now it's confirmed. The only question is how can we get invited?
Tigress--now we know what Scotsmen wear under their kilts--autographs!
Maybe we can get into the DD (dens of daubachery) by becoming groupies. Ways this might be achieved:
1)Carry around camo and cherry red M&Ms for Bob and Jenny
2)Attend all of the stops on their tour laughing loudly in the right places and clapping enthusiastically at the end.
3)Design and wear our very own Moot shirts, accompishing two goals at once: proclaiming our love for the Curisie-Mayer team and advertising DLD.
Or, I suppose we could get published.
Although the M&M toting, tour following, T-shirt wearing route would probably be the easier (but creepier) way to go.
It was Van Halen, and they did not want brown M&M's.
Confusing Aerosmith with Van Halen. Yeah, your memory's shot all to hell, babe. Just get it on the page and all will be well. Oh, and bring a good pen.
Hearing the author reading their book aloud is one of my fav parts of booksignings, especially if the author gives their thoughts as they read. I get a sense of how the author feels about the character. The 3 I remember are Jenny, Evanovich, Nora.
Jill
Um, what exactly were you wearing (or not wearing) at this hedonistic affair that people - all FEMALE people - could sign their way northward on your thighs???? Do you have pictures? Will we be able to sign your knees/thighs on the tour? Just asking.
"Will we be able to sign your knees/thighs on the tour?"
Only if he wears the slinky satin skirt with the side-slit.
:-)
Bob, Bob, Bob,
There are cherries on here. Do you have ANY idea what you've quite possibly started with the thigh thing??? LOL!
Things are about to get interestin'.
chelle
Now see I'm more concerned with the fact that Bob thought he was ranting and the post might get pulled. If that is Bob's version of a "rant" (unless he edited it...) he needs to see Jenny for lessons on how to REALLY cut loose. Just don't send her a "Book Down Yet" email, you never know where your AOL might end up! (I got to read that "missing" post.)
(-: I think we knew it was a joke -- and actually, it's quite a clever ploy, because now you will be simply AWASH in M&Ms during the whole tour. Fans will be bringing you red ones, green ones, black ones, any-kind-ones, and you'll never have to worry about starving on this tour, because M&Ms are one of the best-keeping staples of the chocolate family. You'll probably get so many, you'll have to visit hospitals and orphanages to get rid of the excess. I wonder if I can get some stock in the Mars chocolate company before April 4? (-:
Glad to hear Chasing the Ghost is coming along. Your agent will be impressed with the proposal. If she makes suggestions, how do you handle that? After all, it's your creation.
See, that's something I just don't get. I don't like being read to, really. When I read a book the characters all get their own voices in my head, which is one of the reasons reading is so superior to movie-watching. *I'm* the director, I know how each scene should look and what the voices should sound like. If I wanted someone else to think for me I would watch a movie. (Except the Tolkien trilogy--Peter Jackson got inside my head somehow--brilliant job...!) And what if the chapter you have to read out loud has YEC stuff in it? Ewww, no thanks! Stick to amusing antecdotes. And signing thighs. Need to check MapQuest and see just how far San Diego is from here--6 hours maybe? Hmmmmmmmm......
And which one will you be, Bob, charming or funny? Just kidding : ) Love the thigh signing story.
If we choose to go the thigh signing route, do you think you could sign mine Bob Mayer/Robert Doherty? I'm just curious, how big do you write and do we get to choose where on the thigh you are to begin signing?
So, Bob's wearing a kilt to all his promotional events specifically to facilitate thigh-signing?
That's more professional than a Speedo, or tackling the closest sumo wrestler for his fighting outfit.
Is the knee & thigh signing "The Bob Mayer" variation of a military tattoo?
Poor Bob. Sexually harrassed in the comments section of his own blog!
If truth be know it might have been the thigh signing where Bob learned about sitting very very still. Because as everyone has read, movement ...
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