Warning: Some Violence and Much Strong Language.SHE WROTE: Moot Points, Cherry Bombs, and Lunch
Jane gets ten Moot Points for suggesting that "Cherry Bombs" is a better term for the people who read this blog than "The People Who Read This Blog." I love it.
As far as the blog becoming a book, that was always a possibility. We started this as a record of this year because we knew it was going to be insane and we thought it would be interesting and maybe, possibly,make a book with pictures of the poker-playing clams and stuff on the road and a lot more about the discussions we had writing Agnes, which we will be getting back to shortly because Bob just saw Double Indemnity and is fascinated by the gender dynamics in there and wants to watch it when we're together and dissect it, so there'll be a lot more writing-the-book stuff coming up. (Right now, we're tour obsessed.) Then things got insaner. It's not just that we're trying to write Agnes while promoting DLD, it's that our (very separate, not together, two very different) personal lives are also in upheaval, and then there's that bad habit we have of fighting like bobcats trapped in a bag. So we're going to wait to see what we have at the end of the year before we commit to turning this into a book. It couldn't just be the blog because the blog is going to be a million words by then so it would have to be severely edited, and we'd want to add other stuff to it, comments in hindsight, inside info, all that stuff. We may not even make it to the end of the year, we could end up imploding. I think that keeps the blog interesting, though. You never know when it will end abruptly with a terse announcement that Robert Mayer has been taken into custody for lethal use of his little finger on a business associate.
And then there's food on the road. Bob has just announced that he's lost his appetite completely and so won't be eating. He used to drive me crazy because he only ate once a day--I like going out to lunch and dinner, and I like not being alone when I do it, sue me--now he says, "Not that much." So I will be force-feeding him along the way. Plus he's trying to give up caffeine and I really should give up sugar. I told him if anybody brought cookies to the booksignings and I lunged for them, he was supposed to wrestle me to the ground and stick an apple in my mouth. For those of you who immediately began to plan to bring cookies so you could see that in action, he declined. So the plan is that we eat a good breakfast with protein and carbs, and then I stuff a Kashi bar down his throat at lunch. Dinner, he's on his own. It's like traveling with a cranky child. Of course, he's traveling with a raving bitch, so it evens out.
Cherry bombs. Ha. Good one, Jane.
24 Comments:
Sounds like you two will need Nerf bats.
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or better yet - Crotch Bats, to reference an old SNL commercial. It featured a family therapy session during which the family members got big foam bats and whacked each other in the crotch. I always keep a store for when family visits.
And along with the food on the road, be sure to stay hydrated.
OK - so you didn't have enough already going on, so you are going to add quitting caffeine and sugar to your mix? This will take the cranky child/raving bitch personas to new heights (lows?).
I'm guessing Bob can handle cutting back on his food intake. He's had to survive all sorts of missions in the past. Plus, I can see his point in cutting back on all the ruckus of restaurant meals - all that noise, decision making about food, making nice with people when 'not' feeling nice. And, I also see Bob as an all or nothing kinda guy - so the no meals things makes some sense.
However, understanding is NOT agreement. I have two cranky kids of my own - when in doubt - feed them then drive around in the car til they fall asleep.
It was easily week 3 into my "quit caffeine" plan before I stopped having the withdrawal headache. Good luck with that.
And on that no sugar thing - I can't think of anything supportive to say. Those sugar substitutes kill your brain cells. Why ruin perfectly good - more than good - food by cutting the sugar.
Where do we sign up for the Cherry Bomb fan club?
Jenny, thanks again for the moot points...I'm proud to be a cherry bomb!
But, I gotta say this no food thing is a little worrisome. It's such an adventure discovering new restaurants and trying new styles of cooking. Bob, you have no idea of the joy waiting for you when you regain your appetite.
One question: Do you have your music ready for the road trip? Good music is such a pleasure when you are driving for hours. Who would be on your dream playlist?
Jenny you go ahead with what you have to do. I'm not worried about Bob. Green Beret, remember? He knows to just sit quietly so as not to draw your fire. He's smart enough not to mess too much with a woman who has been deprived of both caffeine and sugar - I should think! Oh wait... no sugar ... that means no chocolate! Jenny! Rethink now!
Well, look at all this in-fighting as being post-divorce without ever having to get married and have kids. In the words of the beloved (and often married) humorist, Lewis Grizzard, "The next time I want to get married, I'm just going to find a woman I hate and buy her a house."
The next time either of you has the urge to get married you can just pick up the phone and yell at each other - for free!
No, No, No!- total deprivation of chocolate/sugar is never a good idea. I was diagnosed with blood sugar issues a few years ago and tried that. Severely limiting your intake to one daily serving allows you to maintain your sanity, while still drastically reducing your intake. Just make sure your one daily portion doesn't take on gigantic size (a whole cake as opposed to one moderate slice). Good luck!
Now I'm going to have to watch for national headlines: "Due to Cookie Withdrawal, Writer takes Staff and Fans at a Barnes & Noble Hostage Using a Plastic Alligator" and then its companion piece, "Writing Partner Threatens to Retell Korean Restaurant Story, Writer Surrenders, Begs for Mercy."
Don't you hate when you're sitting there, completely starved, praying your stomach doesn't growl and you look at someone and say, "Lunch?" And they shake their head, and your knees start to shake, your hands get clammy, and that person begins to look like a really good entree...
Whoa, I need some protein, pronto. Good luck with the sugar thing. I gave up caffeine nine years ago (for the most part, still have chocolate). I think I'd wind up in Alcatroz if I gave up sugar (sugar, honey, honey. Sorry, really nutritionally devoid right now. I'm off to lunch, and there's no one near to shake their head, so yaya!)
Cherry Bombs, what a hoot. Hey, John Mellancamp (still hot) sang Cherry Bomb in the 1980's or early 90's. Maybe we need a theme.
Lost his appetite . . . men, gotta love them.
Guess this isn't the time to say I made pineapple upside down cake for work last night? Sorry, no cherries on top.
Let your cranky inner child out to play! It's good for you.
I keep meaning to buy this t-shirt that maybe the dynamic duo (no arguing over who is batman) needs for when you feel snarky on tour. It's a Primanti Brothers Resturant t-shirt that has a picture of a sandwhich and says "bite me."
Keep it in the suitcase, wear it during "free time." Chuckle insanely.
Bob likes chocolate-covered cherries, doesn't he? Maybe you should keep a secret stash around for him. After all, if he doesn't eat, he won't make it through the tour.
On the other hand, there were those lab rats, weren't there, whose food intake was drastically reduced and as a result, they lived dramatically extended lives. Bet they were bloody miserable though.
So, on the one hand, you have non-eating miserable Bob, probably telling that dreadful Korean restaurant story, who makes it through the tour but by the end you're going to be wishing that he hadn't. And on the other, happy smiley devil-may-care Bob gliding along tanked up to the gills on chocolate-covered cherries.
Jenny, your duty is clear. You just going to have to keep an emergency pack in your bag and maybe, in return (because really you're doing it for his own good), he'll take you running so that you can work off all the ones that you unexpectedly eat.
That's not a mean suggestion, by the way; I like running.
"On the other hand, there were those lab rats, weren't there, whose food intake was drastically reduced and as a result, they lived dramatically extended lives."
They didn't really live longer. It just seemed like it!
Just realized while reading this blog that I was listening to "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" by The Gap Band (yes, I know I have lousy taste in music, but in my defense iTunes is on shuffle so I am not actively choosing what I listen to. I also often hear language lessons in German in between songs: wo sind die Toiletten?)
Anyway, thought the song was semi-appropriate since we have now been dubbed the Cherry Bombs.
Wow! I don't visit the blog for a day and look what happens. Fab ad, BTW.
So everyone's on a diet and getting crabby? WRONG time to diet, guys. You should be mellowing out, nurturing self, and taking good care of each other. Go get a massage and a manicure and pedicure. Read a good book, play some music, soak up some sun if there is any where you are. You've got a long journey ahead of you.
We don't want to see you mean and skinny, we want HAPPY. Oh, now I'm doing the Bob all caps thing, got to stop that. (slaps her hand) And the caffeine thingy, allow yourself a leisurely cup in the morning and savor it, then switch to green tea. It's good for you and once you acquire a taste for it you won't go back.
As to quitting caffeine and sugar, I had to do it two years ago for my blood sugar thing, and I will say that after the two weeks of horrible headaches and general bitchiness, I felt much better.
And as a note, chocolate is naturally lower in sugar than most other candy.
And sugar substitutes may rot your brain, but frankly, so does sugar, caffeine, Amstel Light, and TV.
I was also hoping this blog would be made into a book, but it sounds like Jenny and Bob are thinking of a Non-Fiction one, whereas I was hoping for one of their romantic adventure collaborations to be about two writers thrown together through various circumstances and forced to try collaborating, when it turns out one of them is secretly a government agent (hopefully the female) and hilarity with a few dead people ensues.
Sigh.
VERY excited for the book, by the way. :)
Lindsey
PS. I love you Jenny!!!!
You can't be serious, you are going to travel in the same vehicle with Spartacus while he's going through caffeine withdrawl. God Help You!
Two writers named Robert and Jenny
Used to fight like those cats of Kilkenny.
They fought and they fit;
They scratched and they bit,
Till they were both eaten by an alligator named Moot.*
*surprise ending
so I get to be a cherry bomb?! I love it!
wait, I just took a look at the tour schedule...you are going to Phoenix and Scottsdale, and then Scottsdale again in June, and yet skipping Tucson?!?!?!?!
Oh, my aching cherry-bomb heart!
I've been saving this up since the last time the diet thing was brought up, but here it is:
Squeeze in Exercise on a Book Tour
1. Do those corny in-flight exercises. They might help, and if the plane is the least bit empty, your seat-mates will probably find someplace else to go -- making post-exercise naps easier.
2. Leave a little time before each radio interview or signing to walk the perimeter. Check out threats, make sure there are no alligators lurking in the bushes or insane fans hiding under manholes. If you are pressed for time, then at least insist on being conducted to the two nearest fire exits. (-: Paranoia-cize!
3. One Kegel for every book signed. If you sign fast enough, and in the required quantities, this can lead to a bonus calorie-burn.
Good luck, and one more thing: Spinach omelettes. Even if you blow off the rest of the day, you can still say you got a protein and a veggie in there.
Me again.
Seriously, a tour is a bad time to have to deprive yourself. What if y'all vowed to *maintain* your habits, instead of giving stuff up? Keep at your current weight, not drink more coffee, not intake more sugar? If it's of medical urgency, then you need to do it, of course.
But if it's a case of "Oh my god! My life is totally beyond my control, but surely I can control my sugar intake!!!!" Well, then, I think you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Control something else (-:. Or re-define control.
*hugs* for you guys, because you will be most surely at the mercy of the whims of fate, strange people and the airline schedule. But sometimes fate is kind, and once in a while, whimsy is cute. I wish for you beautiful, wonderful *short* adventures on this tour.
When I give up caffeine, I turn into a narcoleptic. No headache. I think, since Bob will driving part of this, your better bet is the headache.
I've heard that when you give up sugar it takes about six months before the craving is no longer there. Another author I talked to tried it, and she said that sweets now taste disgusting to her. I would like to be on the other side of that fence, but for the forseeable future I will be consuming chocolate at least once a day.
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