Warning: Some Violence and Much Strong Language.SHE WROTE: Help
I am trapped on the highway in a rental car with an insane person. No internet last night because my apartment was in the basement, none this AM because we had to go see Meg again and then pick up the rental car, at which point my rational partner, Bob, went insane. I'm now safe in a Panera on Rt. 90, but sooner or later I'm gonna have to get back in that car, and I'm telling you, it's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Bob.
This is a guy who patiently holds doors for little old ladies, but put him behind the wheel of a car in Manhattan with a green light and an elderly woman with one foot SLIGHTLY off the curb, and he's snarling, "DON'T TRY IT, LADY!" It's like the buried Bronx broke out. "So I think our next move," he says, in a completely sane voice, "is GET OUT MY WAY, I'M DRIVIN' HERE, MORON! to concentrate on doing more serious blogs." It's like the Bronx him has been unleashed. "We need to WHAT D'YA THINK, YA JERK, YA OWN THIS ROAD? give back more to Cherry Bombs. Which one of them LADY, YOU WANT TO GO THAT SLOW, GET IN THE RIGHT LANE, GODDAMMIT thought of that, anyway? We should thank her. You got the map?"
I'm a nervous wreck.
And don't get him started on Elizabeth Bishop, who's been DEAD since 1979, but some guy in the NYT says that she changed the course of American culture, and Bob cannot get past that. "HOW did she change the course American culture? I've never even HEARD of her, she's a poet, for Christ's sake--MOVE OR LOSE IT, YOU DUMBASS--just tell me HOW she changed the course of--"
"Let it go, Bob."
"I'm over it. But, jeez, the ENTIRE course of American--BUDDY, YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME HERE?--culture? I don't get it."
Okay, actually, I'm not a nervous wreck, I've been laughing my ass off since we left the Village. Mr. Bob, the Badass.
We may make it to Boston, but if we don't, it's because Bob took on an eighteen-wheeler and we lost. On the other hand, I'm learning a whole new set of people skills.
HEY, MORON, I'M BLOGGING HERE, GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY.
See you in Boston.
31 Comments:
This may be the best BLOG post so far!!!
Just an FYI traffic in Boston doesn't get any better. Best of luck!
You're back! Yay! We were all worried. Love this blog entry! I laughed so hard the dog came into the office and looked at me like I was nuts.
Having driven both, I think Boston is worse than NYC! (grin) They make their own rules in Mass. and the only thing you can do is cuss. Have fun.
My whole family is giggling over that one. I'm a very Buddha like mom but get me behind the wheel and, well, let's just say I resemble Bob. My kids think IDIOT means BAD DRIVER.
lbooth
hey! I just got back from vacation visiting my son. My son who picked me up from airport like the nice polite young man that he is drove and cussed just like that! Is this something they teach at Ft. Bragg (my son just got out of the service and was stationed there)?? I swore up and down I would never get in a vehicle with him again. I aged ten years and at my age that could be a disaster! :) Good to see you are having a good trip!!
I hate to burst Bob's bubble, and I know I don't speak for everyone....but this Cherry Bomb is shallow. I love the way this has been going, and I kind of tend to scan the more serious ones. Sorry Bob.
At least you have Bob to do the driving. I spent a long weekend in Manhattan last summer, and that's one place I don't think I ever want to drive!
Hope you guys make to Boston and back safe.
Terri
Hilarious post.
Manhattan seemed so lovely and orderly after living and driving in Boston.
It's good to hear that you are already on Route 90 -- I was worried when Bob speculated you would arrive in Natick at 2 am. That would have been brutal.
This gives new meaning to the phrase "blue highways!" As in "Running blue-haired ladies off the road" highways! I suppose Buffet's "It's Been a Lovely Cruise" may not be as fitting as it initially seemed.
Hard to believe the charming duo from the lovely B&N on gorgeous Rte 22 in Joisey is the same dynamic due roaring up the East Coast (in more ways than one.)
Seriously, though, I was lucky enough to catch the Jennie and Bawb Show last night. CBs -- It is well worth the effort to see them even by hook or by crook. It was even worth risking my life in Central Joisey at rush hour. Really. They are as tremendously entertaining as speakers as they are as writers and are clearly some of the nicest, down to earth, talented people you will meet.
And if you get there, be sure to ask Bob what he thinks of Jenny's collage work. The reaction is priceless :)
Hah! Too funny. Please tell Bob that at least some of us Cherry Bombs really like this type of post every bit as much (and sometimes more) than more serious ones.
I love Panera! Not just for their food but for their wireless internet. It saved me in NJ.
Also, don't anticipate the traffic to get any better in Boston. Especially if you ever have to find the airport. *shudder*
What's this "concentrate on doing more serious blogs" crap? The blog's fine just the way it is! You think we come for the erudition or something? No! We come for the schtick! Which, as we know, isn't so much schtick as reality.
Give back schmive back, you guys give enough as it is.
Whoa, Nelly! If I get a vote, I vote "NO!" on the more serious blog business. Lovin' what I'm reading today...don't get all, well, serious on me!
You think I need more seriousness in my life?! I have two small kids, a husband working 2 jobs, and a long list of friends in crisis. I am full up on serious. I read this blog for the same reason I read Romance = to escape! I want to pretend I am a best selling author who child(ren)are grown and successful in his/her own right and that I can now turn my time and energies to touring the country with a lunatic of a writing partner who can't master an alligator stamp! Gimmee!
Ha! My husband drives me like that and all I can do anymore is just hang on and look away!
Just blog whatever you want. Part of what I love about this blog is the mix of topics you guys address. Whether you're serious, snarky, informative or just plain insane you're always worth reading.
I like the mix of serious writing blogs and all the insanely funny, sometimes manic, material the two of you produce. As long as you are okay and know that, while we're laughing hysterically, it's with you and not at you... please, keep the blog going the way that it started. That DOES give back to us!
I've driven in NYC. Bob's reactions are insanity. That's the survival instinct talking... er, screaming. *g*
Whoops. I meant his reactions aren't insanity. Given the location, they make sense to me!
I dont know Jenny, I think Road Rage is a very good outlet for those darker feelings that lurk and pop into blogs. Like clowns and SMP hitwomen.
Hide his allergy meds and get him talking anout dear old dead changed-the-course-of-American- culture, Elizabeth Bishop. That should keep the clowns at bay.
Work was more demanding than usual today, I got a filling at the break of dawn, and it rained incessantly. Came home to read this blog. Thanks for the laugh...I really REALLY needed it!
Yep, funny is way better than serious but it's nice to have a mix. I know after a full day of writing I need humor. So much so that since my introduction to blogging (thank you guys for letting me cut my teeth on your blog)my day consists of taking off my emails, answering the important ones, checking the crusie mayer blog, writing, stopping for lunch, checking emails and crusie mayer blog, writing, walking the dog, checking the crusie mayer blog ... anyone see a pattern here? (grin)
NYC road rage vs. Boston road rage...To add a whole new dimension to the experience you need to try Dallas road rage- 60 mph in bumper to bumper traffic and the truly enraged/deranged use guns. Gives a whole new meaning to the "wild, wild west" and sounds like it could be right up Bob's alley. But hey, Texas isn't on the tour?!
This is just how my generally kind and understanding husband drives. I think it's that Y chromosome.
Rpbena, I've got a similiar schedule for HW/SW Blog checks in my schedule. When everyone in my office takes a smoke break out back - I take a blog break.
Bob, I really appreciate the "serious" writing. It is very generous you and Jenny to share. But, PLEASE don't change the blog format. All the CB's are having a great ride - thought probably not as great as Jenny's ride to Boston. (Just think how many more driving miles are ahead on the tour.)
Remember, if you write it, we will read.
We are all having
And,I REALLY think that no matter how many words we blog this year - THIS ONE MUST make the book.
LOL. Superb! I agree with the cherry bombs above. Life is too serious as it is. Blogs like this will get me through my tests and labs this week. College isn't half as fun as vicariously riding through the city with a cursing Bob when papers and tests are involved.
Ah, Bob, I can relate to the bad drivers.... so many idiots, so little time to run them off the road! My favorite comments to relieve the stress are things like "the gas pedal is on the right--try using it!" or "how green would you LIKE the light to be?" or "That's ok, you just go ahead and take that lane--obviously YOUR schedule is MUCH more important than mine!". Usually these are muttered under my breath but on an exceptionally bad day I have a tendency to be a little more vocal. I have driven in traffic in Chicago rush hour--70 mph in the snow down the Dan Ryan ain't no joke!--and in San Francisco, AND in L.A.--I can imagine how bad the East Coast can be.... *shudder* You both have my sympathies! Just be safe and make sure Moot has her seat belt on!
You guys are clever enough to do smart with plenty of snark and schtick, so go for it!
It actually sounds like Bob graduated (with honors) from the New York City Cab Drivers School.
I will read anything your or Bob will post. I need the laughs, but I also enjoy the behind the scenes discussions on writing and publishing. (I was born and raised in SoCal -- I'm just as interested in the backstage politics as the finished product.)
I think you two have managed to nicely balance the insanity -- oh sorry, I meant hilarity *grin* -- and "the serious" stuff.
It's not just the Y chromosone.
One of my friends once swore she'd never heard me use those words before. She didn't think I even knew "those words"
I only use them when appropriate. And they're always appropriate when driving.
As for driving in NYC or Boston - it's a toss up. I think NYC is better because all you have to do is follow the other native drivers no matter what they do. (My cousin once instructed me to get into the lane crossing double yellow lines - I said no, double yellow means don't cross. He said "Don't be silly, it's New York. It's not a real line, it's more of a guideline.)
In Boston there are no rules. And since the Big Dig, there are no signs either. I'll go back to Boston once someone assures me they've put the roads back together.
BTW - loved, loved, loved DLD.
Bridget
Cherry in the Rough, did you really mean your post to come out that way?
I'm just catching up on reading the blog. Yes, I know, but sometimes we're OBL'd (overcome by life). Since I see lots more posts, I assume Bobica survived driving in Boston.
That was one of the craziest cities I ever drove in, including NYC and DC. Well, in DC there are the homicidal dips you have to outrun, but still, nothing on Boston. Our first day there for vacation, we were waiting at a light at rush hour. A woman angled her car in front of two guys in a truck. The passenger was bouncing in his seat, smashing his fist on the dashboard screaming, "Kill the bitch!" over and over. Seemed to be pretty typical. ;+)
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