Warning: Some Violence and Much Strong Language.SHE WROTE: We Got Trouble Right Here
Agnes was reading over my shoulder when I brought up the last blog.
"I'm DEAD?" she said.
"He's kidding, he's kidding," I told her. "You know I'd never let him kill you. You're my girl. You're fine."
She leaned closer to the screen. "Who's this Abigail? A nun? I don't even HAVE a younger sister. Didn't he read the back story?"
"Yeah, but he forgets. He's just playing around."
"He's having doubts about her vows?? THE PERV!"
"Agnes, honey--"
She straightened. "I'm not having sex with that perv."
"Agnes, really--"
"Even Troy never hit on an underage nun."
"It's a joke, Agnes." I looked at the screen again. "I think it's a joke."
"Nope. Not doing it. He never brought me the snuggle couch, either. Or the TV. Just stomped around in the swamp with my dog and whined about that bimbo in the pink T-shirt."
"Agnes--"
"I want a new hero. Who else we got in here?"
"Well . . ." Actually, there's not much. "Carpenter?"
Agnes thought about it. "What do we know about him?"
"Not much. Seems cheerful. Handy around the house. Gets rid of dead bodies."
Agnes nodded. "I can work with that. Get rid of the perv."
"I'll have to talk to Bob--"
Agnes snorted.
Right.
Uh, Bob . . .
130 Comments:
Louis! Model a new GAM's after Louis! He understands us!
Oh Bob I told you you were in trouble. You should have listened to me.
You tell him Agnes. He didn't listen to me. I tried to tell him you and Jenny wouldn't like it but did he pay attention? No! Well, you go get him girl.
I need clarification. Is Shane the carpenter, body disposal person? I am having trouble keeping up with the characters. Moot and Cerise I understand. Go from there.
red ekqiab
Everybody's killed quickly in all Bob's (books).
Plus, SISTERS. Ew.*
Although the ninja Jesuits, now that would be a sight to behold. Couldn't the ninja Jesuits preside over the wedding?
*Although you did handle that beautifully in Crazy for You.
So, Agnus is trading up!
good for her. I guess that is called taking one for the team.
pipbjkuf - only dirty things come to mind
LMAO! I really like her attitude. You go, Agnes.
Bob, Bob, Bob, Shane's in trouble. Not only is he having issues with being allowed to kill people, but now no sex. He is SO not going to be happy with you.
Agnes, you go girl! Tell him! Yeah! Huh. Trying to bump you off before you've even been published. He's toast.
Bob, Shane's a dead man. Find yourself another hero. And watch your back. I don't think Agnes is the type to let a little thing like being fictional stop her from taking a frying pan to the back of your head.
And the next time your out on the dock, don't dangle your feet, Bob. 'cause now Jenny's got Moot and vultures. thrum, thrum. thrum thrum.
Agnes, would you care to meet a nice Cajun helicopter pilot?
fvqgnu -- Funny vulture quip gets nuns ululating.
LMAO! No wonder Bob is procrastinating the YEX scene -- Shane doesn't have a willing partner! Then again, nothing good ever comes easy. No pun intended. Really.
Shane better get his act together before Tal sets Agnes up with LaFavre. A girl could fall for all that bayou charm. Tell Shane to use intelligence and humour, with a little I'm a tough guy but I can be tender thrown in. Gets 'em every time.
Do you guys think Bob was trying to find out just exactly how dark we wanted him to get? Well, Bob, I'd say you should stop somewhere this side of killing Agnes. And probably the sex with the underage ninja nun sibling is a bit squicky. Other than that, have at it. I think. Maybe better run it past us, just to be safe.
bw
Ok, so is this LTD??
Who knew?
green skinny mnycqhfc
My neighbors YeC quietly, hopes Flamingo Cerise.
(yeah, I cheated. Again.)
Scope Dope said ... I need clarification. Is Shane the carpenter, body disposal person? I am having trouble keeping up with the characters. Moot and Cerise I understand. Go from there.
See Jenny's blog, July 4:
"And then we (Bob) have to set up Bob's side of the family: Shane and his uncle Joey and his old partner Four Wheels and Four Wheels nephew, Two Wheels, who breaks into Agnes's house, and Shane's buddy Carpenter"
LOL. I love all the plot twists. Instead of a romantic adventure it has evolved into a soap opera.
Shane only thinks Agnes is dead, and then when she finds out he's gone after Abigail that's when she goes afer the other guy. Of course all will be forgiven and Shane and Agnes have their HEA. At least until their love children show up to ....
pqvfli-past questions verify few love intensely
Ah, Jennie is back in full keyboard mode!!!
ROFLMAO!
All this subcontext is getting beyond me, I'll have to just wait until the book comes out to get the personna straight.
hkilee green
how kan I laugh, every emotion
hee hee, Jenny. thanks.
told you Bob. so did a lot of CBs. should have listened to us...now Agnes (for giving her a perv) and Shane (for not having sex anytime in the next decade or so) are both going to kick your ass.
Well, I've been gone for the whole weekend and look at what happened. I'll never catch up.
All I can say is, Shane you better act and act now, the window of opportunity is sliding closed.
So try a little tenderness. Here's the plan, go down to the kitchen and put new cushions on the couch. Say you saw them, thought of her and couldn't resist buying them. Maybe casually toss an extra log on the fire, unless it's summertime. (grin)Or pet the dog.
Tell Agnes she needs to take a break, make sure she leaves the frying pan on the countertop. Then invite her to sit beside you, to feel the velvety plushness of the extra large cushions. Stroke your hand seductively over a cushion and sink back into another while giving her the hot "I'm searing your eyebrows" gaze.
Then just as she's relaxing, her head thrown back, elegant neck arched, ready to put her feet up on the ottoman, you turn toward her and look into her eyes for a second too long. Then you take her glasses off and tell her she has the most beautiful eyes in the world and plant one on her.
No tongues. Not at first, just tease her a little, then you can do the tongue dance later ... yeah, definitely a knee-quaking sweet-as-all-hell kiss is in order here.
She'll resist at first, but you know what to do. Increase the pressure just a little, cup the back of her head and pull her closer, murmur her name, nibble her lower lip. Breathe heavy. Gals like that, she'll be putty in your hands in no time.
No sex. Not yet. She's not that kind of gal.
So leave her wanting. Go. But plan on coming back. Soon. Real soon. She'll come begging after that kiss ... you'll see.
rg
how far will little elves let serpents investigate?
Louis writes: I'll have to just wait until the book comes out to get the personna straight.
Louis, Louis, Louis! Haven't you learned ANYTHING in Introductory Latin for CherryBombs? It's personae!
ydebwhy -- "Why, Deb? Why?" (What Bob moans after reading our posts on the last few blogs)
Louis I am with you. The two of them, him and her, have me so confused now I am not sure what century I am in but I love the banter. /;)
rg Can't wait to read your books. I was LMAO with your rendition of Agnes and Shane's love scene.
blue mbsvga The first idea that came to me with this verification: Make Bob see Viagara's great advantage. (for the books)/;D
Make Bob stop villains getting Agnes.
Goodness. I leave you people alone all afternoon and this is what I end up with. Agnes wants a new hero because Bob is plotting Agnes' premature death. Oy.
As you all know, I'd never do anything as gauche as gloat, but I did win BOTH games of Scrabble with Old Friend, the second one by almost 50 points. And OF claims it's YEARS since anyone beat him at Scrabble. I maintain that he hasn't been playing with the right people if no one can beat him and give him a challenge.
Honestly, I was sure he was going to win the first game. So was he. I started out behind and then caught up and exceeded.
And he's a MALE Old Friend, so naturally I heard all sorts of reasons why he eased up the first time, letting me win (uh huh. Right.), and then all sorts of excuses about how he was tired when he lost the second game. Yeah. Right. Re-match in a few weeks, I think.
Actually, it was fun knowing that both game could have gone either way, points-wise. I like a good challenge.
Tal...
I'm hiding my head in shame...thirty lashes with a wet noodle!!!
I didn't get beyond "amo, ama, amas" in three months of latin in school. ( did I get it right?)
twwtlzb
green
time when words, thoughts love zaps(at) Bob
Uh oh, Bob's in trouble.
Agnes gonna come along to burst your bubble.
nabldxs - not agnes bob, looking down extra stupid
Louis, you did just fine--that's more YEC than Bob has managed yet in English!
mgrjgshg -- My goodness, Robert! Jenny got some humor going.
Talpianna, enlighten me, je vous en prie.
Would not personae be female plural? I am the farthest thing from a Latin scholar since Dan Quayle* so I need enlightenment. Unless you're suggesting that Shane and the Carpenter are both females in disguise? That would be an interesting twist, Oliver.
*Dan Quayle is credited with saying that he didn't want to visit Latin America since he didn't speak Latin. Whether this quote is true, apocryphal, or his attempt at humor... probably someone out there in Blogland can clarify.
htzxxihz ... the sound made while trying to repress a sneeze and drink water from the wrong side of a glass simultaneously
Since the original meaning referred to the mask worn by an actor in a play to indicate what character he represented, there is no reason that the noun should not be feminine:
person
c.1225, from O.Fr. persone "human being" (12c., Fr. personne), from L. persona "human being," originally "character in a drama, mask," possibly borrowed from Etruscan phersu "mask."
jldggult -- Jenny loves Doherty; Glamour-Geek usually loves Talpianna.
vzhgo -- Vultures, Zaza! Hurry! Get Orangehands!
looks like I've missed an interesting weekend- oh well
and on a small aside from today's topic... It's flipping hot here and since I'm still in the apartment with no A/C I needed something cool for supper- took a bag of frozen black cherries, tossed them in the food processor, added a smidge of almond extract, processed until smooth and indulged- it was very yummy.
Hope everyone is keeping cool where it's hot, warm where it's cool, dry where it's wet, and safe where it's on fire.
Talpianna Gratia!
I was misled by a reference in my compact O.E.D., which referred to the cast of characters in a play being Dramatis Personae". I'd thought that in Ye Olde Tymes all the actors were of the male persuasion. (Olde Tymes meaning pre-Restoration drama at least.) But if it's a gender-neutral type of thing, confusion is lessened.
Honestly, what other blog could one turn to for such erudtion? And a combination of erudition and snarkiness always makes for a fun blog ;)
qxfleatl - quickly xerox flying lizard's erudite arias to love
Mary, you are confusing sex and gender (easily done). ;-)
In Latin, as in many modern European languages, e.g. French and German, nouns have gender that affect their form, the form of the adjectives that qualify them, etc. Where a noun describes a living being, its grammatical gender - masculine, feminine, and in some languages, neuter - does not necessarily correspond with the sex of the living being it names. So, in German, though Mann is masculine and Frau feminine, as one might expect, Mädchen (girl) is a neuter noun -'it' rather than he or she, even though it names a human of the female sex. And, of course, objects that have no sex, like houses and furniture and fields and trees and the sun, moon and stars, will be masculine and feminine nouns as well as neuter ones.
The Latin noun persona ('mask, character, person') is a feminine noun, and remains so even if applied to a male person.
:-)
no, no, no, not Latin lessons again! my head barely survived the first time! ahhhh!
rg: *OH waves hand in front of face.* can't wait for your book either. that was great!
why does blogger start you off with those tiny, squeezed together fonts when no one can read them? ugh, so annoying.
Sorry. :-(
But it isn't only Latin. Gender is an important grammatical concept when speaking French, Italian, German, Welsh, Spanish (I don't know any Spanish, but I'm sure it has the same general structure as other Romance languages), and countless other modern languages.
Modern popular usage that regards 'gender' as a slightly euphemistic synonym for 'sex' is a Bad Thing, because it devalues the word both linguistically and in its more recent usage in social anthropology, where the useful concept of gender identities and roles is used to clarify the apparent contradictions that sometimes occur between social identity and biological sex, and which are otherwise difficult to describe succinctly.
;-)
Oh, Tigress, I have missed you. It's early, just woke up, haven't had caffeine, have no idea what you just said. But I've missed hearing you say it. [grin]
bw
Hi all - I didn't understand Latin when I took it for two years, or French. Spanish I did okay with, but still can't speak it.
I've learned more about Latin in the last few weeks, then I did at all my years at private school (until they kicked me out, sort of, but that's a long story). Anyway, its really hot here in upstate NY - I only have internet in my front yard at the lake and I think the sun is like melting my computer, so I must pack it up. We are going home this afternoon anyway, hockey. Nice, cold hockey rink. Yeah, i like winter. Summer's fun but not when it's ninety ninety or something. Give me 75 during the day, 55 at night, I'm a happy girl.
Hold on here....
Cheerful, handy about the house, removes bodies upon request.... What's not to love about this guy?
If Agnes doesn't want him, or Abigail, then maybe he can have his own book.
pprrf - needs no translation
Cherry Beach said...
Hold on here....
Cheerful, handy about the house, removes bodies upon request.... What's not to love about this guy?
That's my thought. Shane might be good at offing people but that's not what you'd call a long term need.
Bob, if you want to keep Shane now, he's going to have to prove himself.
bon cheri bomb - how very kind of you even to notice my absence. I may not be around very much for a while, as my 91-year-old father is in hospital, and when staying in my parents' house, I have no computer access: my laptop and my desktop PCs both expired within a couple of months earlier this year, and I have so far replaced only the essential desktop machine. Quite apart from that, the distresses involved with very aged parents tend to override all other considerations.
But I'll look in when I can. I'm at home at the moment, but expect to return to Wales soon.
:-)
I agree with jen-t and bon cheri bomb but for different reasons. Jen for the heat issue and bcb for the agtigress comment. I have missed you too but I sometimes have trouble following the dialogues.
Just to upset orangehands, Talpianna I thought it was amo, amas ,amat. Is that wrong? It always works for my crossword puzzles.
Good for you glamour geek love Scrabble and love a challenge too. I played with a friend one time that only played one or two letters at a time so there was no way to get in my bigger words. She jammed the board up. Frustrated the heck out of me. I love it when I can find a seven letter word and then GET it in.
blue ecvcwqtx
Even Crusie's vintage Crusies were quite talented Xpressions.
Tigress, so very sorry to hear that your father is ill. Sending cherry hugs to help you through.
Just for the record: its
amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant. Then they all love. The whole Quayle family. And others too.
AgTigress, can you speak Welsh? I've been to Llanfairpwllgwyn... (you know that place with the longest name on earth) and I wondered how anybody could say that. I love languages, but this is one I have no idea of. And no dictionary either.
agtigress you must have been posting while I was writing my comment. I am terribly sorry your dad is ill. That is a tough situation with ailing, older parents.
If you live in Wales, where are you now? I wish you all the best. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
red bslec
Bob seems likely 2 explode (The)Cherry.
agTigress: I'm sorry to hear about your dad -- sending you hugs and him good thoughts.
Of course we missed you. I always notice when I don't have to concentrate very hard. [grin] And I do remember that waaay back in French class I thought it was ridiculous to say le chat and la chien. Gender is not intuitive, sex on the other hand...
Off to work now, where I have no choice but to be serious. Check in when you are able?
bw
Hmm. Agnes has burst off the page and is speaking directly with Jenny and threatening Bob. Glad to know the book is going well!
Diolch yn fawr, AgTigress!
I'm often confused by gender, though it does engender interesting discussions. I'm even more often confused by sex -- the opposite sex, that is. (Actually I think that sentence works even without the qualification.)
Also sympathies on the difficult situation with the parents. Been there, not always easy to deal with. Virtual hugs are winging their way across the pond even as I type.
And heck, we all miss you when you're not around!
putry -- the attempt made by an inefficient golfing enthusiast.
Agtigress - know the cherry love is there for you to draw on when you're stressed. This blog has everything you could ever need - grammar, furniture painting and latin lessons; brownie, chicken and liquer recipes;vibrating beds, rambunctious squirrels and other interesting wildlife. But most importantly, this blog offers laughter, love and support.
Throw in the really great writing and it's damn near perfect.
Take care of yourself!
Tigress of course you were missed- and I'm also sending hugs and good wishes your way.
Itxpnzss-- isn't that one of those lost Inca cities?
This is hilarious! Fictional characters taking off on their own. Ummm... Agnes, please don't kill Bob. He's sorta needed to finish his share of the story. No, don't finish him! yikes! Agnes! Put down that frying pan! The sister nun thing was a joke! Wasn't it????
nlqpxurq--no longer quick, prowled x unusually really quiet
Agtigress: I'm at home at the moment, but expect to return to Wales soon
We missed you. Thinking of you and your parents, hope all is well. Love Wales but definitely can't speak the language. Have friends in Llanellin, he's a Doctor, she's a midewife. Check in whenever you can.
rg: *OH waves hand in front of face.* can't wait for your book either. that was great!
I was just having fun (this was tongue in cheek, no not anyone else's, you over there with the dirty mind) because I'd returned from doing an afternoon with my critique group and we'd had a big discussion on sensual writing rather than sexual. I think the sensual build up makes the sex scenes more memorable otherwise, at least to me, it's just gymnastics. But, we ladies had had quite a discussion on the topic.
I had intended to say:
"Yo, Shane get your hairy butt to the kitchen." Then have Agnes jump his bones, but I figured, nah, let's make her a lady.
rg
aumfyqp
aussie men for your quintessential princesses
We're still "DISCUSSING" right?
nlgwp
nowhere lucky gunfire whahhh perdiction
Thank you to all for the good wishes. You are all very kind. As my parents are both 91 years old, recovery is problematic. We just have to take each day as it comes.
I live in London, and have done so nearly all my life, apart from university and three years in Germany.
My parents live in north-west Wales. This is a long and tedious journey from London.
Welsh is my mother tongue, and English is my second language, learned when I was about five or six. But I now speak it a great deal better than Welsh, I'm afraid. My native Welsh was a very strong regional dialect, and I always have difficulty with the more standard forms of the language, and with the dialects of other parts of Wales, including the area where my parents now live.
Mary - do you speak Welsh? Your spelling was impeccable, at any rate!
:-)
penila where are you and your "Get Off Your Ass And Write Club"? Loved the name. cherry magic sheryl's group has a good name too. It is "Write Off The Deep End". WODE is very active and supportive group. I have gone a couple of times and once took some work for a critique and got good advice.
conscripted cherry yup it is a lost city near Lima. Just found it last week. /;D
red pzcsb
Perhaps Zaza, Crusie smothers Bob.
p.s. jen-t when you get back from your cool hockey rinks I left you a message on your blog...the first one, not the new one.
blue xjpwfs
Xavier, Jenny prefers writing funny stuff.
blue bnwzak
Bob, never write Zaza as killer.
What is blogger's problem? green dvvirdf
Don't vivisect verbose irreverent readers, Doherty, forgoodnesssake!
Hell cherry beach - if Agnes doesn't want him - I'll have him!!
Agtigress sorry to hear your Dad is poorly.
wyjvbc - why young jenny, veto bob consistently
Scope Dope, you are right and I am wrong about the conjugation of amare. I wasn't reading carefully enough. Would you believe me if I said it was because I was wearing my distance glasses instead of my computer glasses?
I didn't think so.
colognegrrl: Dan Quayle and I graduated from the same university, De Pauw in Indiana. Of course, I matriculated a few years earlier, before they lowered the standards...
RG wrote:we'd had a big discussion on sensual writing rather than sexual. I think the sensual build up makes the sex scenes more memorable otherwise, at least to me, it's just gymnastics.
I believe this is what Andy Rooney called "explicit mush." But I like it, too!
disnpdaw -- Do I see new people, Doherty? Agnes wails.
Tal said: I believe this is what Andy Rooney called "explicit mush."
Awww. I like that. Explicit mush. Sigh. Going back to see if anyone else posted a pome (poem)
rg
wcystei
why cystitis easily irts
talpianna are you trying to make me fall down dead? I am right and you are wrong? Holy cow! That could never have happened in a million years. Thank you for that. I bow to you, oh wonderous person that you are. The see all, know all, tell all wonderous person. /.D Me and Johnny Depp
I was at my son's yesterday and my granddaugher saw me with my cherry eye patch, ran into the house and got her plastic sword she got from McDonald's and gave it to me.
Sarah, the 4yoGD says she wants to be an astronaut but can't because she doesn't have an astronaut suit. When she is an adult she's getting an astronaut suit and flying her plane into space. She just doesn't want the aliens to eat her.
red bzegnaiy
Bob, Zaza expects great notes about interesting yec.
SDCB: LWAO! Love the 4yoGD. Brilliant. I wouldn't want the aliens to eat me either, but perhaps she could bargain with them by offering them chocolate instead?
I think Agnes is better off without Carpenter. I mean he has a number of admirable qualities, including removing dead bodies, but he's written by that same guy who wrote that perv with the nun fixation. I don't know if I'd want to take my chances with that.
AgTigress,
Alas, the only word I know in Welsh is Mabinogion, and I can't pronounce it.
I'm glad I got the phrase right. I got it off of a website, and I was afraid it might actually turn out to mean something like "Pardon me, but your aunt's camel needs new shock absorbers."
Thank You in Many Languages
itxbaz I think xenophobes belie average zanies
Scope Dope--a cool gift for your granddaughter:
http://www.sieglers.com/cgi-bin/Sieglers.storefront/44bc52d00121a5749c50c0a80ae80715/Product/View/204220A&2D2?wt_prodno=204220A-2&wt_cat=#ParentCategoryName&wt_subcat=CategoryName
(And I think I also win the long-link contest!)
dzhgddrm -- Do Zambian harlots get deadly Doherty (Robert) mad?
Hey Talpianna et al. (note casual use of Latin phrase ;)
If you ever need to paste a really looong URL, might I suggest going to the Tiny URL website first?
You paste in the looong URL and click the Make Tiny box, and voila! before you is a URL that reads something like "TinyURL24" -- but when you click on it, you are taken to the original website that you'd pasted in.
TinyURL.com
wlvwwk wild-living vultures watch Wild Kingdom
Mary, I've tried that, but for some reason it doesn't work when I do it.
mmurk -- Mary may uglify real kitchens.
mary thanks for that site. It worked perfectly for me. I will try it on all my long urls. I often have trouble finding the sites talpainna gives me but I had no trouble with her last one with the tiny url.
talpianna that was a great site for the pirate stuff but I couldn't find one astronaut suit. I think you do win the long-link contest. That was 61 characters according to TinyURL.com.
red pcwzxqn
Peeved, Crusie wrote Zaza Xpecting quickened nun. Does that even make sense?
Scope Dope, I don't know what went wrong with my link: it's supposed to be a website called
http://www.sieglers.com/
that deals in Russian military surplus among other things. Go to the site and try typing in:
204220A-2
Or enter "cosmonaut" in the search box. You should get a neat poster of Alexei Leonov's first space walk on sale for five bucks.
bcmllrg-- Bon Cheri & Mary let lovable Robert go.
bscmcsd -- But Scope Dope made Cherry Sheryl dance.
Tal - Thanks for the dance. i just came in from running the dog along the canal, so I'm all exercised out.
Zaza- thanks for the beer tip. I had heatstroke at work the other day and water just wouldn't stay in. It was making me worse. Now I know what to do next time, though I highly doubt they'll let me quaff a pint at the library
Mary said ... I'm glad I got the phrase right. I got it off of a website, and I was afraid it might actually turn out to mean something like "Pardon me, but your aunt's camel needs new shock absorbers."
MARY! ROTFLMAO!!! Here I sit at work snorting and snickering and receiving stranger than usual look from people who pass by.
Dakujem ti for the Thank You and TinyURL links! (Thanks in Slovak. For no particular reason). I actually recognized Mary's Welsh (though I couldn't have come up with it), from the children's fantasy novels by Susan Cooper, 2 of which take place in Wales (2 of the others are in Cornwall, while one is in England proper, although I'm not sure where, as it's been a while). Another author who occasionally uses Welsh is Owen Parry, whose main character is a Welsh American at the time of the Civil War. He investigates crimes, occasionally for President Lincoln himself.
hrtaw: what does it matter? this one will have timed out.
cncpz: chocolate never causes poor zazz.
AgTigress - My sympathies regarding your parents. I cared for my mother full time for the last two years of her life...it was very difficult. Please take care of yourself during this journey, as you can sometimes neglect your own health because your thoughts and energies are elsewhere.
Cherry Magic Sheryl - It's my understanding that once you have had heat stroke, you are forever more susceptible to getting it again - so take care of yourself!!
Scope Dope - you are an inspiration with your upbeat outlook on life!! You go girl...
plbkwy
puce looks bruised (when) kicks whap you
pyrjs
pluck yellow roses Jenny says
Anonymous wrote—
All I can say is, Shane you better act and act now, the window of opportunity is sliding closed.
So try a little tenderness. Here's the plan, go down to the kitchen and put new cushions on the couch. Say you saw them, thought of her and couldn't resist buying them. Maybe casually toss an extra log on the fire, unless it's summertime. (grin)Or pet the dog.
Tell Agnes she needs to take a break, make sure she leaves the frying pan on the countertop. Then invite her to sit beside you, to feel the velvety plushness of the extra large cushions. Stroke your hand seductively over a cushion and sink back into another while giving her the hot "I'm searing your eyebrows" gaze.
Then just as she's relaxing, her head thrown back, elegant neck arched, ready to put her feet up on the ottoman, you turn toward her and look into her eyes for a second too long. Then you take her glasses off and tell her she has the most beautiful eyes in the world and plant one on her.
No tongues. Not at first, just tease her a little, then you can do the tongue dance later ... yeah, definitely a knee-quaking sweet-as-all-hell kiss is in order here.
She'll resist at first, but you know what to do. Increase the pressure just a little, cup the back of her head and pull her closer, murmur her name, nibble her lower lip. Breathe heavy. Gals like that, she'll be putty in your hands in no time.
No sex. Not yet. She's not that kind of gal.
So leave her wanting. Go. But plan on coming back. Soon. Real soon. She'll come begging after that kiss ... you'll see.
Let me think. No. Did you miss the fact that Shane is a hitman/assassin? Such a man doesn't do YEC,
mess with couch cushions, compliment her eyes, give "sweet" kisses, nibble lips, or defer sex. I see Shane as Vin Diesel, not Hugh Grant.
This afternoon I turned on some soap opera for two minutes (trying to find weather warnings). A middle-aged detective and a pretty patrolman were questioning a gorgeous thirty-something brunette and a slutty blonde teen girl about an accident. Since I obviously haven't been following the story, I can't be certain, but it seemed to me that the blonde was lying, and the detective wasn't buying her story. But then the patrolman with the too-handsome face blurted out, "Detective X, do you have to continue this? Can't you see you're forcing them to re-live the accident?" I saw that and I thought, That detective should give Prettyboy a chewing-out that is so profanity-laced, it has to run during commercials, and then the detective should initiate disciplinary proceedings against Prettyboy for undercutting him in front of suspects. But then, if Patrolman Prettyboy were a real man and not a soap-opera fantasy, he would've already known better than to risk his career because of that YEC outburst.
I have never read a genre romance (not even Crusie's), but I just rated DLD five stars on Amazon. To me, DLD was't a romance with male-adventure added, it was male adventure with romance added. Men buy books, too.
Tom the Old Coot: This was meant to be tongue in cheek. Like Bob would ever write a tender love scene. Huh. As a writer of romance, I was merely messing with his head.(grin)
However, some of the toughest characters have a tender side, you see it in how they respond to their mothers, or to animals. Just because they can kill in a heartbeat doesn't mean they can't care for someone important to them.
It's good to show both sides of a personality when you're writing a story, even the antagonist must be shown to have some redeeming qualities.
I'm glad you liked DLD and that men buy books too, (grin) have you read any of Bob's other books. I'll bet you'd like them. But hey, show your tender side, buy a Crusie. Once your hooked you'll be slipping brown paper covers on them and reading them in public.
rg
imrfh
I might reveal further heartache
Welcome, Tom, you old coot! Are you Mary's n,tom? [that was a joke you might not understand if you haven't been reading along for weeks, but as usual I couldn't resist.]
Loved hearing your input on DLD and our suggestions re the couch scene. You realize we're teasing the man, right?
You should try reading a Crusie and let us know what you think. Bob had faith in her writing abilities...
I agree with your opinion of the soap scene. You should avoid watching even a few minutes of those. Steam will come out of your ears. Maybe even blood. BTW, a lot of us read books other than romance.
bw
Hi, Tom. Welcome! Hey, Louis! You have company now! Bob will appreciate it to. As RG and BCB have already said, we don't expect Bob to go writing YEC scenes. I have great faith that he can do it, but we also know that he'd rather just blow something up. That's okay - we don't mind a little excitement.
And I agree with you about pretty boy. One hopes the detective reemed him a new one and he'll learn his lesson.
Glad to know you enjoyed DLD. We the Cherry Bombs are rather proud of it. Also hoping you might give a few romance authors a try as well. Many of them have great plots worthy of being placed on the suspense/thriller shelf. Ya never know until you try.
Drop in a visit again sometime.
Hi Tom! You sound like a man who is intelligent and has excellent taste. (Clearly, BCB, this isn't the bum N'Tom ;)
Welcome!
hdjdoev hilarity dosn't justify devious or evil vixens
Is this pathetic? I'm so desperate for a new crusie/mayer I've lost count of how many times I've reread this blog. Hey, its got dialogue, a great character and snark. There's also suspense (is he a perv? will she dump him for carpenter? what's carpenter really up to?) Action - all that swamp stomping, and a dog. Its got everything.
Yeah, I guess we're both pathetic. But it's like a little gift, isn't it?
Greedy, pathetic creature that I am, I want more.
bw
Welcome, Tom. You ought to try J.D. Robb's (a pseudonym of Nora Roberts) romantic suspense/futuristic mysteries featuring Homicide Detective Lieutenant Eve Dallas. I guarantee you that Patrolman Pretty wouldn't have SURVIVED the commercial break.
(As a matter of fact, there is a very pretty rookie cop in the books, but he's also smart; she's tagged him as future Homicide and has one one of her detectives training him.)
nqkjss --No question--kissing (up to) Jenny saves Shane.
Diane,
That’s one area the Welsh have always dominated: English children’s literature. (Kiddy Lit.)
Numerous children’s classics are based on, or heavily derived from, the Mabinogion (book made up of tales from Welsh mythology). You mentioned Susan Cooper, but also Lloyd Alexander and Alan Garner, among others, used the Mabinogion as a source. Even Mary Stewart, in her Merlin books (e.g. the tale of Macsen Wledig).
Mythology has always been an important influence on children’s stories, more so than other forms of literature. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis drew much of their influences from the Norse sagas, such as the Elder Eddas. That’s one area where I have to fault me ancestors. The Irish have produced great literature, but the ancient Irish tales, the Tain Bo, haven’t been a source of inspiration for much. Please prove me wrong, but to me, the Tain Bo is largely a series of tales about cattle rustling. I suppose it could be argued it’s an influence in the field of Westerns. No much romance in it certainly. Though I do like the part where the Queen offers the hero “the friendship of her thighs.” An interesting turn of phrase, that.
Y'know, that's the problem with a subject that you wrote a really cool paper on. You tend to go on and on until the audience has fallen asleep. Sorry guys. I'll show restraint henceforth.
qftkkv
Quick! Find the kinky kinetic vulture!
Mary: You can show it, just don't use it. Do you forget to whom you speak?
Actually, I thought I broke the blog (or put everyone to sleep) earlier when I posted a link to the interview with the guy who wrote a couple books about Ojibwe linguistics. Got a bit quiet after that. Won't do it again.
bw
BCB, is there an Internet group for REM?
(That's Reformed English Majors, not to be confused with any groups devoted to Rapid Eye Movements or mostly disbanded rock groups ;)
dgpey - dog-gone pathetic English yentes!
Would that be those who study English during the Reformation? Or those who have taken new shapes? I believe there is a group for each, though obtaining membership can be a bit tricky.
bw
BCB, I think the REM are English Majors formed in the crucibles of their various schools who have then Gone Forth unto the world of unbelievers, i.e. people who use i.e. when they mean e.g. and literally when they mean figuratively. People of such-like ilk anyway.
Reformed English Majors are those who have withstood the onslaught of ignorance and managed, yea verily, to still know when to use a semi-colon and what the Imperative Mood is.
I understand you can be refused membership if you think the poet Ranier Maria Rilke wasn’t a real man. Or if you think that George Sand was. Or if you’ve not sent remuneration to certain deserving and underpaid members of the profession who lurk on Romantic Adventure blogs. Speaking of which, BCB, have you gotten any envelopes from me lately? ;)
Aah. That bunch. I believe I am a member of the re-formed type. We are merely Daughters of English Majors. We who break into a million little pieces and then reassemble ourselves when needed. We are very cool. Paraphrasing the manifesto, of course. Not really plagiarizing.
And all my envelopes to you seem to have been returned unopened. How odd.
bw
Well if you're going to use a return address titled "IRS" what do you expect? Sheesh...
All right mary and bcb LOL. Now please explain when you should use i.e. and e.g. I always thought e.g. stood for "for example" but have never been sure what i.e. stood for. I must have known at some point because (I hate to admit this considering how much I have forgotten) but I was an English Major as well. (TESL/Political Science)
Welcome Tom, you old coot good to have another male opinion.
green bvchbekj
Bob very carefully hid behind every killer, Jenny.
I shouldn't be telling you this, but I am an REM agent with a 00 designation, which means I have a license to kill people who use conversate and fellowship as verbs and who say fortuitously when they mean fortunately and vice versa.
indmipxv -- just a minute here, I have to go get my Secret Decoder Ring...
Tal: What about those who say nauseous when they are nauseated, or those who use if in place of whether, or... no, fortuitously, it's either too early or much too late to conversate about this.
Do people really do that? Made my skin crawl, even in jest. Became nauseous debating if or not to do it at all.
bw
Thanks for the welcome, ladies, but (um, how do I put this?) I don't read Romance novels. Actually, it's for the same reason that many women find porn videos to be absurd, or ridiculous, or insulting. Several women over the years have told me variations of "Those people up there with the enormous breasts may look like women and have women's voices, but they don't act like women and they don't talk like women, they look and talk like how men wish women would look and talk." Well, most romance-story "heros" strike me as guys who, growing up, spent too much time with their mothers and sisters. I don't admire such characters, I don't want to be like them, but J.T. in DLD is brave and confident and a character I admire.
You Cherry Bombs who are female (98 percent of the posters?) are comparing DLD with romance novels you've read, but I compare DLD with James Bond movies. In DLD, after J.T. maims the Knife Man in the bar fight, he gets the shakes; and at the climax of the novel, "J.T. wondered, not for the first time, if this would be his last sunrise....Well, if this was to be his last sunrise, it was a good one." Both times, after J.T. feels such intense emotions for one minute, he then flips a mental switch and goes back to Mission Mode. James Bond never has such moments at all, which is why I now find Bond movies to be enjoyable but not satisfying. J.T. has such moments but then sets them aside because people urgently need his help, which is one reason that I rated DLD five stars on Amazon.
(The other reason I gave the book five stars is that it didn't wimp out to Romance cliches. I can't imagine Hugh Grant saying to Bridget Jones, "She has [breasts] out to here and a hot bod, and she sneaked into my bed—of course I [boinked] her, what's the problem?")
Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...
All right mary and bcb LOL. Now please explain when you should use i.e. and e.g.
Oh oh oh I know this one!!!! I work with lawyers and it comes up a lot.
i.e. is the abbreviation for the Latin phrase id est meaning "that is." So you use i.e. in place of "that is to say."
E.g. is the abreviation of the Latin exempli gratia , meaning "for example."
So you would use i.e. when you want to better explain yourself.
I consider myself to be a "real" reading; i.e., I always have a book on hand.
as opposed to
I will read almost anything; e.g., romance, mysteries, thrillers, or fantasy.
Quoting my previous post—
"Those people up there with the enormous breasts may look like women and have women's voices, but they don't act like women and they don't talk like women, they look and talk like how men wish women would look and talk."
Correction: that should be "...they act and talk like how men wish women would act and talk."
[Boink], that'll teach me to proofread things better before I post them.
Tom, thanks for the perspective. And I'm sure you are right in many cases, though I'm equally sure that you would find some exceptions.
What I find interesting is that many men won't read romance because its too YEC, and yet women will read and enjoy action/thriller novels that virtually drip with testosterone, i.e., I have several women friends who live for the next Dirk Pitt novel.
Talpianna, can you slip on your secret decoder ring and go on a mission? Your skills are requested and required.
From the grand heights of upper management we received a memo yesterday, describing how a certain department was being "re-org"'d. Why? "In order to better leverage synergies." The memo's author asked that managers "waterfall" this information down to their teams.
I think a little revising might be in order -- on the author. Just a little innocent revision, or as he would no doubt put it, "re-vision." Otherwise he could start using the term "opportunistic" as a positive word at any time.
luowanqs - lovingly undo old ways and never quash sensitivity
mcb, I think men don't like romances because they are so much not how our brains work. Not only are most of us indifferent to shoes (sorry, Jenny!) but we are indifferent to emotions and inept at them. What men are, is problem-oriented and laser-focused. When you want to drive a man nuts, say to him, "We need to talk about the relationship." Why will this bother him? Because you will be presenting him with a problem (the problem being that you're unhappy), and he feels incompetent to solve that problem because it's about women and their emotions, which he doesn't understand.
Also, women's number-one priority in a relationship is love and romance, and with men it's all about sex. Yes, even with the nicest man, a man your mother approves of, it's all about sex. No man can believe that a woman loves him while she is not giving him sex.
So the short version is, I don't read romances because they're so alien to my way of thinking; and at my age, I don't full required to correct any gender imbalances.
Gee tom you old coot you really understand men. But..."no man can believe that a woman loves him while she is not giving him sex". Since when did love come into it when a man wants sex? You said yourself it is all about sex. So in the case of a man love doesn't enter into it. Isn't that also most men's arguments when they have an affair? "It was just sex."
You don't have to correct any gender imbalances. Just enjoy life. We cherrrybombs do.
blue cylbxlfu
Crusie's yec's livley bob. Xavier likes "feelings" usually.
Interesting conversational gambit, Tom. Contempt heavily laced with condescension and disrespect. You sound a bit like me when I’m feeling particularly ornery and haven’t had enough sleep. I’ll tell you, though, if you’re hoping to provoke this bunch, you’re going to have to try harder. We’ve been provoked by the pros. Not to mention we’ve received instruction from those same pros on deflecting negativity and maintaining professionalism. Of course, some of us don’t take instruction well. And Scope Dope is in constant pain, so be nice.
We’d all agree that there are plenty of examples of TSTL (too stupid to live) behaviour, male and female, in many genres. You seem to be very opinionated about a genre with which you claim no first hand knowledge, not having read any of it.
So if you’re open to new experiences and would like to have an intelligent, informed discussion about the romance genre, I’m sure, given enough time, a couple of us could come up with one or two suggestions for to you read that would not too greatly offend your notions of appropriate male behaviour. Perhaps one or two us of have even written such an example, some of us being writers and all. We’re a perversely diverse group and we love a good discussion.
Let us know. In the meantime, we’ll be over there in the corner, amusing ourselves and engaging in desultory conversation covering a range of topics. Come join us if you feel so inclined. While we may not always be well behaved, we make every effort to be unfailingly nice. Just ask Lori.
bw
I think Tom the old coot isn't necessarily being disrespectful. He just doesn't get it. romance. Women. Love. But his profile says he's in a relationship with a woman he's known since he was 6. So I suspect he might just be poking the bear. I'm on my fourth bottle of water in two hours because the air conditioner at this branch of the library can't handle the heat either! Not a dark beer in sight. But when I get to Scope Dope's after work I'll chug one while she blogs. We set the larger letters on her monitor so she could see you all. I also take dictation well : )
G-G - can you personal shop from photos? I was thinking that maybe we could enter into an online consultation. What style best suits us? I know that tailored blouses are my most flattering options. Stuff like that...
Dear Tom. Never put anything on this blog that you are not prepared to have the Cherry Bombs dissect, analyze and spit back out at you. In the nicest possible way. he he.
But, BCB has a point. I don't like bananans - but at least I've tried them. So, you'll need to read a few romances in order to defend your thesis. That's only fair, right? If you will read a few books by authors we recommend, and still say that you don't find them valid, then we will respect your opinion. You don't have to read 'em to hang with us, but don't dis them without a fair trial.
As to gender imbalances, we don't ask you to change. Not everyone here likes shoes and shopping either (well I do, but some others). You can join them for coffee while the rest of us hit the sales.
"For what do we live, but to make sport of our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?"
Sorry. Just wanted to quote from a romance novel.
Tom OC, if you're interested, here's a refuatation of Romance genre stereotypes.
from Jenny's web page
idnmvzh - honest, i didn't move zeeh, idn, idn!
I should mention that a refuatation is a local variant of the word refutation. It's dialect, honest. Not even remotely a typo. Trust me. Would I lie to you?
fwygxb - a freeway that leads you in cloverleaf circles and never has any exits, only on ramps.
Tom -iced coffee, if you live the continental US. Or hot, if you must - English people claim to find hot tea cooling, so maybe it works for coffee, too.
I think Tom raises an interesting point about male characters in romances (and I've read, oh, a few thousand). One thing I've noticed, in (one of my favorite authors, don't hit me, fellow fans!) Suzanne Brockmann's books, is that the heroes' buddies often act (in some ways) like complete jerks (in, pardon me, stereotypical male ways) wrt absent women (e.g. Lucky in Everyday, Average Jones, which I just re-read and it bugged me). But when they become the heroes (romance heroes: as US Navy SEALs, they're the regular kind all the time), they turn into sweethearts.
Now, I don't know if this is unrealistic or, more a reflection of the fact that people have many facets to their characters, and the way they think and talk when they're with an all-male group is different. Or it could be actual character depth and maturity... Nah.
As for Stephanie Laurens' books, her heroes are so far into fantasy territory that, sexy as they are in book context, very few of us would even WANT one in anything approaching our real lives.
Also, to address the sex issue: very few romances today involve the heroine denying the hero sex. Especially not Jennifer Crusie romances (OK, except for Bet Me, and she had a VERY GOOD REASON).
On the broader point, that a romance is, at base, about forming emotional connections, well, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I'm pretty sure some men are interested in that subject. However inept and inarticulate they may be in actual pursuit.
zljohde: Zebras leapt joyfully over highly dilatory elands
Diane said ... As for Stephanie Laurens' books, her heroes are so far into fantasy territory that, sexy as they are in book context, very few of us would even WANT one in anything approaching our real lives.
Oh so true. What we sometimes enjoy in a romance novel, we wouldn't want to actually live with. Remember when historicals were the big thing? Some of dem heros were enough to make a girl swoon. But ... in real life I'd have taken a broadsword to the back of his head.
And to go back even earlier, to the days of the bodice rippers - jeez were those girls dumb or what?
Rereading the older blogs lately. A lot of stuff about Agnes there that I had forgotten. This is when him and her were still drafting it out and setting it up. Fun. Well for us. Maybe not for them. But I digress.
This discussion makes me think of the whole bit with DLD where J.T. didn't say "I love you" until Bob wrote it in under duress. And we had a discussion about why women want the words and men think the actions should be enough. So, question: Bob, Louis, Tom, and all the DH's out there, don't you like to hear the words?
CMS wrote: I think Tom the old coot isn't necessarily being disrespectful.
CMS, you are, of course, correct. What was I thinking? I'm sure it is entirely respectful to condemn and dismiss an entire genre of fiction without ever having read any of it. Must be the lack of sleep.
You know me, it's like names, all those dis- words look the same. I must have meant one of the others.
Maybe disturbing or disappointing? Disingeneous? Disgusting or distended? Dismissive? Well, that was implicit. Oh, I know, disillusioning. No, that's not right either. Ah, Jenny had a good one in her article: dishonest.
But you're right, not disrespectful after all. Must remember to get a good night's sleep before attempting to be nice again. And since THAT never happens, I guess I'll just go back to being ornery.
Do you really like tailored blouses? Those are the ones you have to tuck in, right? G-G: I do not want any of those, give them all to CMS.
bw
jbwjrrfo: Jenny, Bob will just readily, regularly fall out
Well, Tom you old coot, bit ornery today are we? Hmmm? But good for you, stirring up a hornet's nest on the blog.
A very dear actor friend (male) once told me, "A man can't be in love until he has sex with the woman, and the woman won't have sex with the man until she's in love."
My answer was, "What planet do you live on?"
I mean that was just so like 1950's or something.
So moving on. Romantic fiction looks at the emotions related to both the man and the woman as the relationship begins, evolves, crashes and burns, reignites, and commitment is made. Until I wrote a romance my brothers had never read one. They now like them. A writer friend's father is an FBI agent, he reads them. Bob is an ex-Green Beret, he writes them.
Romances can give you insight into feelings that are fairly common to both male and female. I know sometimes they are cliched. (can't do the 'in the right place so imagine.) The happily ever after is always in place and sometimes it shouldn't be. But for the most part when well written they are a heck of a lot of fun.
And so are those CIA, FBI thrillers I used to read, the Ludlums and Follets and all of those guys. But really? One man against the world? Come on ... really? A guy can do all of that ... by himself, while fighting elements of nature, whole armies, bombs going off, cars screeching through underground parking lots, bullets flying everywhere, things catching on fire, jumping through plate glass windows and rappelling down sides of multi-story buildings and all without mussing his hair? And then to make it worse, one hour later he has sex and he doesn't wince from bruises or broken bones?
It's why they call it fiction, Tom.
rg
oaabdgr oh, ah, a badger
RG said ... A guy can do all of that ... by himself, while fighting elements of nature, whole armies, bombs going off, cars screeching through underground parking lots, bullets flying everywhere, things catching on fire, jumping through plate glass windows and rappelling down sides of multi-story buildings and all without mussing his hair? And then to make it worse, one hour later he has sex and he doesn't wince from bruises or broken bones?
Oh, you've read Clive Cussler too? ;~D
Like you said, its fiction. And its a matter of taste too. I like romantic comedy and I like shoot 'em up car chase scenes in movies. I'm quite willing to suspend disbelief for entertainment if its a good story.
RG: your comment made me think of something else. Years ago when Grisham's "The Firm" first came out, an atty I know denounced it - said it wasn't realistice, nothing like a real firm, a rookie lawyer wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff and so on.
And I said the same thing you did ... that's why they call it fiction.
Hey, I just checked out Tom's blog and he's only 52, which scarcely qualifies him as "old" in my 64-year-old book! The coothood I'll take under advisement.
Mary, your request is unclear: Do you want the management guy killed or just severely maimed? If the former, the Tigress LOVES Management types. With fava beans and a nice Chianti...
There's an interesting discussion on the qualities of the romantic hero going on right now on the Word Wenches blog.
Jayne Ann Krentz has discussed the subject more than once, and has made two major points. One is that the alpha hero does not just dominate others; he's the one others naturally turn to when something needs to be done--smart, courageous, capable, strong. I think that's what most of us look for in the heroes. Another is something one of Jayne's characters said to the hero, her brother-in-law, whom she was thanking for helping her to raise her son after his brother ran out on her: "The most important thing about being a father is showing up--and you were always there for him." This sort of responsibility is also what we look for, and is common in JAK heroes, who are often surrogate fathers to nephews or half-sibs whose real fathers are dead or have run off. If he's also gorgeous, rich, witty, and a snappy dresser, that's just icing on the cake.
I need to declare an interest here; I read primarily romantic suspense rather than "straight" romance, with a few notable exceptions (Jenny and JAK being the primary ones). So the heroes are more likely to be in dangerous situations.
Tom, I suggest you give the In Death series by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts) a try as a transition to romance reading. They are romantic suspense/mysteries set about a half century in the future. My primary reason for suggesting them is that the relationship between hero & heroine really evolves over the course of the series. And it's a kind of role reversal: Homicide Lt. Eve Dallas is completely buttoned-down emotionally; having been abused as a child and raised in the foster-care system, she has trouble forming relationships and expressing feelings. Roarke, who came from an equally abusive background, is more open to his feelings (perhaps because he is Irish) and is a passionate lover as well as a tough partner in danger. And it doesn't matter--though it doesn't hurt!--that he's the richest man in the known universe.
yrwckjy -- You read with chortles Krentz & Jenny's YEC.
Tal, I was think of some kind of mind-meld with the egregious manager. But that would require him to have a mind, problem there. Okay, I've got it. He needs a... brain transplant.
(Heck, it worked in Soapdish)
ehmeefx! the sound made by Talpianna upon realizing she was being asked to do a Kevin Kline impersonation.
*Sigh* Several of you wrote things about me that were accusatory and/or were personal attacks. That is unfortunate.
Scope dope cherrybomb, you misunderstood (twisted?) what I wrote. I don't say that men have no interest in love, any more than women have no interest in sex. But our respective psychologies are different. Our priorities are different. The English language reflects this: women "give sex" but men "get sex."
mcb, I don't need to read romances to decide that the genre doesn't interest me. Nor do I need to read romances to be qualified to know that I don't want to read romances.
To answer your question, mcb, yes I like to hear those three little words from a woman. But I also like to hear these two little words: "Take me."
Anonymous, you wrote: A very dear actor friend (male) once told me, "A man can't be in love until he has sex with the woman, and the woman won't have sex with the man until she's in love." I agree totally (except in the case of sluts, but I've met very few sluts).
Talpianna, my eyes don't work, my hearing is going, I have to coddle my back muscles (which then go out anyway), and I'm too bald for my liking. I'm not as old as you, but I'm an old coot. Also, old coots are curmudgeons, and I'm sometimes a curmudgeon.
Also, Talpianna, you misunderstand. I have nothing against romance being in a story, I just have no interest in any book in which romance is the main element of the story. My feeling is that any book with Fabio on the cover is suitable only for kindling.
*******
Rereading what I've written above, I give the impression that I'm nothing but a loveless lecher. The fact is, I'm in a relationship with Carolyn, whom I've known since age six, and if I were to tell you all the details of our relationship, almost all of you would be sick with envy of Carolyn. For my part, I feel that I have won the "relationship lottery."
But one of the things that makes this relationship so wonderful to me is that our relationship is based on total honesty and no manipulation or game-playing. Carolyn would much rather hear me say "I love you" than "The blonde over there is hot," but the second statement doesn't bother her (much), because she knows me so well. I can't tell you how freeing that total-honesty, no-games is.
Having experienced such freedom, I'm not interested in playing tell-her-what-she-wants-to-hear again. So, just as Jenny and Bob wrote that they'll be honest in this blog, so I will be honest in my comments in this blog. Already I've offended some of you, who want me to coddle your worldview or spout the politically correct party line. Oh well.
Tom? One comment. You've mentioned elsewhere as well that you're 52 and you've known Carolyn since age 6. Every time I read that, I picture you being 52 and Carolyn being 6, which is not a relationship picture that I want in my head.
rpnyznnb - oh the heck with it. I'm too tired for that tonight.
Tom TOC wrote: Already I've offended some of you, who want me to coddle your worldview or spout the politically correct party line.
Tom, you aren't hearing what we're saying. We have no desire to be coddled and most of wouldn't know a PC party line if it bit us on the butt. We are just asking that you show the common courtesy of knowing more about romance than a 20-year-old cover photo (ick, BTW) before you slam the entire genre. It is one thing if you tell us you've read a dozen (even ONE) romance and still feel the way you do about them. But to say you have never read one, and never will, but you are certain you know everything there is to know about them and as a reult condemn them all is ridiculous and worthy of a smack upside the head. No matter who you are. No matter what genre is being discussed.
Reading what you wrote, now that you seem to have rid yourself of some hostility, I believe there are many, many romances you would enjoy. Romance covers a LOT of territory, you know. They are not all the same. It's sad that you won't find out, isn't it?
It is your loss and I for one don't care to spend more effort convincing you otherwise. But if you're going to be huffy and offended by OUR reaction, please make an effort to at least interpret it correctly.
bw
Mary, Carolyn is three months older than me. We met in June 1960. When I met Carolyn, she had Mamie Eisenhower super-short bangs. I love Carolyn, but the only people to ever look good in super-short bangs are Leonard Nimoy and Betty Page.
BCB, I think your writing about my "hostility" is a tad presumptive, hm?
Also, I didn't know that this was a romance-novel discussion group, and so I have to start reading romance novels. (Was there an End-User License Agreement that I don't remember clicking?) My understanding was that Crusie-Mayer had invented a new genre, equal parts Romance and Male Adventure. Well, 98 percent of you got here by being fans of Romance; I walked through the other door. You would certainly be offended if I opined that you hadn't earned the right to post comments on this blog unless you'd read Tom Clancy novels.
Tom I read Several of you wrote things about me that were accusatory and/or were personal attacks. That is unfortunate. and I was all ready to say, "You're right. Some of those comments were a little snarky." Then I read I don't need to read romances to decide that the genre doesn't interest me. Nor do I need to read romances to be qualified to know that I don't want to read romances. and I figured we weren't harsh enough. No one expects political correctness just courtesy. You pop over here (welcome by the way) and then start lambasting a genre we all read and some of us write and expect a free pass because you're honest? Don't think so. As a kid I hated saurekraut. Thought it was the nastiest thing going, turned into a real drama queen whenever I even smelled it. But the rule at our house was you couldn't say you didn't like anything unless you had tried a bite of it. So each time mom and dad had saurekraut I had to have a bite. Today, I'm the one making the next generation try a single bite of the vile stuff that I love so much on my brats. Moral of the story, you can't say you don't like it if you haven't tried it.
swhitur- no, I can't do it- had one about a new item swiffer was bringing out for specialty markets but it's too tacky even for me so I'll just pretend I didn't see the verification and go on with my world
Tom, I am not the least offended and maybe I did misunderstand what you said but I think you misunderstood my point too. So let's forget it.
There is one thing I would like to point out to you. Yes, 98% of us read Romance novels and quite a few of us write them BUT not exclusively and I think that is where we differ. We have very eclectic tastes in reading but since you are new you may have missed the comments on Bob's books or James Patterson, Tom Clancy, Dean Koontz, Jonathan Kellerman, Dick Francis...need I go on? We also read many genres, which you would have known if you were not new to the blog.
We appreciate different opinions here but like life, we reserve the right to agree or disagree and have been known to do both. If you can live with that then you are welcome.
blue asianmae
As suggested Jenny arranges nasty Mayer's general editing. /.)
Tom: I apologize for my presumption re your hostility, but it apparently had more to do with the presumption that you had rid yourself of it.
Sigh. Why am I beating my head against this wall?
Tom, we don't really spend much time discussing romance novels here and you certainly do not have to read one. We truly do welcome new people and new ideas and different cultures. We have "members" for lack of a better term from many different countries and have encountered many interesting and frustrating differences as a result. We have lively discussions about our widely divergent opinions on a variety of topics. We disagree. Sometimes quite strongly. We respect each other's rights to different opinions. Just as we would respect yours IF it were based on something other than complete lack of knowledge and an unwillingness to remedy that lack.
I would be having this same "conversation" with you if you had appeared and said "I have never read a science textbook and never will, because they are pure crap and I don't need to read one to know that." Please. That attitude is insulting and offensive to anyone who respects knowledge and enjoys informed discourse on any topic.
I would certainly NOT be offended if anyone said I had no right to an opinion of something about which I knew nothing. In fact I would expect that, if I were ever so foolish as to do so.
BTW, I have read every Tom Clancy novel. And Ken Follett. And Clive Cussler. And Robert Ludlum. William Diehl, John Le Carre, Stephen King, Lee Child, Dick Francis. Shall I go on?
This is pointless. Bob, you were right. Don't engage. Someday I'll learn.
bw
Golly gee, I thought this was a place to rave about Don't Look Down, a book I really liked. Nope, I'm wrong -- I have to like DLD the "right" way. I'm considered as not qualified to post an opinion here unless I've read Danielle Steel, Sandra Brown, Barbara Cartland, and of course Jenny Crusie.
I heartily disagree with such belief—but I've decided that these arguments aren't worth my time. Jenny and Bob, thanks for a great book, good luck in the future, I'll read all the books you write together. The rest of you reading this, I hope that I've written something you can use in your life.
Oh dear, Tom has packed his bags and gone home. Spat the dummy as we say down under.
Thats a shame but he just didn't get it, did he? And bcb and scope dope et al you were all so eloquent in trying to explain that you can hate romance but read it first.
Hey I was a little insulted that he thought because 98% of us were women that we only read romance. Good on everyone who pointed out how wrong that was and whoever made the point about romance being avoided by men yet action books being devoured by women, that was great.
Very interesting conversation. I admire the sticking to your guns and not backing down.
ooccuoy - oh o, crusies cherries u order yec
DUG said ... Thats a shame but he just didn't get it, did he?
No, he didn't. As BCB said, it was pointless. (or did he really think we've spent 6 1/2 months discussing one book?)
Methinks our old coot Tom seems a bit defensive. We diagree with each other here on a fairly regular basis, don't we? No right way for anything...
Especially making brownies. Any way works for us...
Whatever are you thinking G-G. We never disagree about anything here on the most perfect of all blogs. Even thought I seem to be disagreeing with you right now, I am in fact not. That's just how it works around here.
Are the plans to hold hands and sing Kum Ba Yah later still on?
smustwn: where all smutty thoughts reside.
(Yeah, I wrote this comment mostly so I could do the verification.)
What pisses me off the most is that the cranky old goat is probably going to go read some Cartland or Steele and come back here and tell us about it, and I'm going to have to sit here and smile and nod -- probably break a couple of damn teeth in the process -- and agree with him. Where did he come up with THAT list? And to add Jenny's name to it?! Sheesh. Although I do like Sandra Brown.
Lori- do we get to have a campfire, too? Seems we have an excess of combustible material laying around.
bw
But, Mary: Re: the manager--wouldn't it be much more fun to have the Tigress eat him? And I daresay she could use some comfort food....
Tom the Coot: There is a book by Professor Pamela Regis called THE NATURAL HISTORY OF THE ROMANCE NOVEL which sets up standards for the genre. And the standards are mainly set by comparison with the greatest of all romance novelists, Jane Austen. And before you reply, as many tend to, that Jane Austen did not "really" write romance novels, at least read her book.
You might also check out Northrop Frye's discussion of romance as one of the principal modes of fiction.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_%28genre%29#Northrop_Frye.27s_definition
I should point out that my own reading of romance goes back to the Chanson de Roland (in the original Old French) and up to the latest Nora Roberts; so I know whereof I speak.
Incidentally, I think you should try at least ONE romance novel before you write off the genre--books aren't like food, where you know you won't like it if you don't care for the smell! I recently started a discussion in another forum of books that come from genres I really dislike for one reason or another, but which I enjoyed very much.
Also, Tom, this "new genre" isn't all that different from my favorite genre, romantic suspense, which is flourishing in the hands of any number of authors these days; it's just a new departure for Bob and Jenny, with the original twist of a man writing the male PoV character and the female writing the female PoV character. So no wonder that this blog is full of romance readers, most of whom just followed Jenny here like so many imprinted ducklings. Much to Bob's shock, no doubt.
A coot is a sort of water bird; so, unlike an old dog, an old coot may be capable of learning new tricks.
Perhaps we can suggest a few books that Tom might try, based on the fact that he did like DLD. I've already suggested the J.D. Robb thrillers; I think he'd also like Elizabeth Lowell's MIDNIGHT IN RUBY BAYOU, which can be enjoyed even if you haven't read the previous books (which are also good, btw).
Tom wrote: I'm considered as not qualified to post an opinion here unless I've read Danielle Steel, Sandra Brown, Barbara Cartland, and of course Jenny Crusie.
I've never read Danielle Steel, and most romance readers I know don't consider her a "romance writer," but an author of "women's fiction." We admire the productivity of Barbara Cartland, but don't consider her one of the stars of the genre. I have read one or two Sandra Browns, but didn't get hooked. But I do love Crusie; and who knows--you might, too.
Romance novels, like romance readers, differ very much. As I said, if you you like DLD, you'd probably like romantic suspense.
mwptmyxu -- Must we placate Tom, mates? You eXit ungently.
Humm...Where's Louis while the fur is flying (opinion's zooming?)? Wonder what he thinks??
ghauqkw
A litle known African country where the ghauq lives
Of Old Coot's list, I have only read Crusie. I don't generally read anything that is in a bookstore under "romance." No prejudice, it's just the one or two I previously read did nothing for me. The recent exceptions were a few Suzanne Brockmann's because Bob mentioned her in a post. In particular he mentioned her gay FBI agent who really is a great character but whose name I've forgotten.
That said, there were things I liked about the Brockmanns I read as well as things I didn't. But I was open to reading them because others here (I think specifically OH), said they were good.
I have genre problems anyway. Often, it would make my life much easier if bookstores just filed all fiction alphabetically, regardless of how someone classified it. That way I wouldn't have to look in about 8 different places for Bob's various books.
Lori: ixnay on the Kumbayah! :)
G-G: You only looked in EIGHT places? And you found his books? In stores? Amazing.
bw
If former Green Beret Bob "in darkness there is death, movement draws fire" Mayer can appreciate the value of romance fiction, then we are spending entirely too much time discussing the old coot's opinions.
kukxn: Polish for people who speak of things they know not of.
MCB: Oh, good idea:
There was a great rush, the sounds of chairs being pushed back, their legs scraping against the hardwood floor, several pairs of shoes tromping, shuffling, scraping, clomping to the door and out, echoing down the hall to the next post. The door squeaks a bit as it swings slowly shut, closing with a final small click of punctuation, leaving the room in silence. The dust motes float in a shaft of late day sunlight and settle gently on the disordered chairs, a silent shroud over memories best forgotten.
So, how 'bout them Bears?
bw
I think "romance" books are the cat's meow!!!!
Started with Grace Livingston Hill at about twelve.Didn't discover Georgette Heyer until much, much later.
Current auto buys:
Nora Roberts
Jayne Ann Krentz and her many writing names.
Susan Andersen
Carla Neggers
Sandra Brown
Elizabeth Lowell
Kasey Michaels
Patti Berg
Rachel Gibson
Julie Anne Long
Lori Foster
Johanna Lindsey
Rebbeca York
Jenny Crusie
Bob Mayer
There are a few others I can't remember right now.
ucknyq Green
"uck" now you quit
A rather varied genre to read
Louis, If you haven't already, I suggest you add Kay Hooper to your list.
TAL...
You are so right she is one of those that I forgot.
Kay Hooper
Diana Palmer is another.
epyki red
every person's YEC kicks in
Talpianna, if you haven't already, might I suggest you ask the Tigress to unleash herself on my mis-manager?
(I realize she's probably out of blog range at the moment, but if she's willing to risk the potential nausea, I think everyone but the mis-manager would probably consider it a 'growth opportunity.' I want to take advantage of the current moment, since it's been decided not to lay anyone off for the first six months or so of the mis-m's reign. (And if the egregious manager is... um... 'managed'... then it would take another few months to re-org after that, which would help me in my ultimate plans for World Domination i.e. starting with this particular company or at least with my particular position within said company.)
pjmiu - an animal that didn't make the cut for Doctor Doolittle's novel, being mostly noted for wearing pajamas at inappropriate times of the day and for importuning opportunistically more affluent members of the animal kingdom.
I always thought coot was short for bandicoot? And then just became a generalised description for an old guy sitting on his front verandah in a squatters chair with his gun in his lap? Hmm, I think I'm mixing my countries here.
One Long Island Ice Tea ( god bless Long island...and it's tea, hic!!) and I'm muddled.
Hmmm doesnt bode well for those 2000 words I was planning on writing tonight!!!
azedl - the way your brain feels after one L.I.I.T.
I thought I closed this door. Ah, the frame is warped. Damn shoddy blogger construction. Here, I'll grab one of these chairs, man they're heavy, and wedge.. it.. under.. the doorknob.
That should do it.
bw
Way to go ladies. I too liked Louis' list but I noticed that, being a man of discretion Louis did not comment on the man who shall remain nameless. And since then bon cheri bomb closed the door but being a lady I noticed she didn't slam it...probably because it was warped. /.)
green xlmvlpm
Xavier liked my verbose language. (He)previewed (my) manuscript.
Mary, I asked the Tigress quite nicely, but she said that eating Management personnel gives her gas. Can't imagine why.
oyqoppsm--Oy!quoth Pogo Possum.
Tom: i know, i know, no one is looking at this except for some desperate CB's who need SOMETHING to read and are re-reading this. but you were being a jerk, and they called you on it. you think of romance as those "cover books" (you know, the one with the ripped male holding the almost naked female and they look like they're about to go down on the floor). i read those, and hated those. i do like romantic suspense/mystery, and Jenny's books, and some "romance" that doesn't include the bodice rippers. but i tried all of this out, i am still willing to try others, and therefore have an informed opinion. i didn't go "that looks dumb" and write it off. try things before you dismiss something. i admit some of them aren't very realistic- Brockmann, who i do love, doesn't have the most realistic males at times, or females, but it is FICTION. try it. you may find out (and if he is back admitting to liking one of them- which i really doubt- don't you dare just bite your teeth BCB) you enjoy it. and if you want to talk about assumptions, i probably have ten books you would love to read on my nightstand and- surprise, suprise- none of them are romance. we read other things. if you were willing to talk to us as a person as opposed to declaring an opinion you cannot back up, you may have gotten some great new authors. we welcomed you; it doesn't mean we are going to let you spit on things we like and some of us write. and hate to break it to you, but DLD did have some romance. there are other books that have romance as a side to the plot line. do not be so judgemental until you can back it up.
and the idea that "males" don't have emotions pisses me off, because they do and they are made to feel like a) sissies or b) shits for having that. this isn't about being PC or not. you are human, you have emotions. you may supress them or hide them or keep them private, but you have them. including a hostility that is not appreciated when we did nothing to deserve it. we can argue; but you know what? we use opinions based on facts and experiences, not some out-dated assumptions. we welcome you to come back, but learn that when you are rude to us, we are rude right back.
well done CBs
and sorry about your dad, Tigress.
Mary said...
English Majors formed in the crucibles of their various schools who have then Gone Forth unto the world of unbelievers, i.e. people who use i.e. when they mean e.g. and literally when they mean figuratively. People of such-like ilk anyway.
Reformed English Majors are those who have withstood the onslaught of ignorance and managed, yea verily, to still know when to use a semi-colon and what the Imperative Mood is.
Oh, yeah. I'm there with you. Aaargh! Like in MilStds for tech writing, more than one piece of equipment is equipments. They looked at me like I was insane when I tried to explain the concept of collective nouns.
diane said...
Suzanne Brockmann's books, ... when they become the heroes (romance heroes: as US Navy SEALs, they're the regular kind all the time), they turn into sweethearts.
And they cry, big sloppy tears. That always bugs me. They all cry once they find their mate. ;+))) Put that way, it sounds kind of funny.
bon cheri bomb said...
CMS wrote: I think Tom the old coot isn't necessarily being disrespectful.
CMS, you are, of course, correct. What was I thinking? I'm sure it is entirely respectful to condemn and dismiss an entire genre of fiction without ever having read any of it.
Well, he didn't really condemn it, just said he wasn't interested in reading it. That's a not uncommon reaction. And, if you think about it, what he says is dead on - the whole point of collaborating with Bob was to have the male POV/voice be more authentic. And Tom, the old coot clearly responded to that. I won't read books with a lot of, for me, senseless violence in them. No one can make me. Nya-nya. ;+)))
ebxerpsy (red)
calisthenics for psychics?
Post a Comment
<< Home