Sunday, December 31, 2006

HE WROTE/SHE WROTE: This Is The End

BOB: As the Door’s song says: "This is the end." The last entry of this blog. I think I wrote that because I watched Apocalypse Now Redux yesterday. But, the good news is that on the 1st of January 2007, we begin the new blog over at http://www.crusiemayer.com/workshop/.

I can hardly remember the beginning of 2006. They say time goes by faster when you get older, but 2006 was a very long year. Many good times, some hard times, yada, yada.

That’s Sentimental Bob.

JENNY: That’s Accurate Bob, too. I had a wonderful time, but it’s a miracle we’re still standing. Well, I’m not. I’m in bed with hot tea and cookies, six hundred miles away. And he’s shooting at pleasure boats from the dock. In other words, all is well.

BOB: We do very much appreciate your support. We never thought there’d be a group like the CherryBombs. Years from now, as you sit around the camp-fire in the smouldering relics of our doomed civilization, you can tell your grandchildren: “I was there at the very beginning.” And mightily bored they will be.

2007 will be different. Fewer conferences. More writing. The writing blog. World Peace. Cats and dogs playing together. Two of the four horseman of the Apocalypse riding by and waving with glee. Five of the seven seals broken. A beast lurching out of the darkness. Little squirrels we’ve helped with our little tiny instruments, capering about happily.

That’s Optimistic Bob.

JENNY: A sign of the Apocalypse if there ever was one.

BOB: Yepper.

JENNY: Happy 2007, everybody. We are not doomed.

BOB: Nothing but good times ahead.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

SHE WROTE: And One More For The Road . . .

There was another scene after the Shane scene and before this one, but we figured this was the one you'd vote to see:


Agnes clutched her frying pan tighter as she felt her way through the dim moonlight in the narrow housekeeper’s room toward the bedside table and the lamp there, really hating the kid who’d made her feel afraid in her own home, even if he was dead now, hating even more that Joey thought she was in trouble.

“I told you nothing happened in here,” she called out, looking around for the cop. “It was all out in the kitchen.” Not that I’m upset with you, sir. Please don’t arrest me.

The wind blew the curtains away from the window by the bed, and she saw that the little bedside table was tipped over, and then somebody clamped a hand over her mouth and said, “Shhhh,” and her heart lurched sideways, and she swung the pan up over her head hard and connected with a smack that reverberated into her shoulders.

The guy wrenched the pan out of her hand. “Stop it. Joey sent me.”

She yanked away from him, and he let her go so that she stumbled, falling against the bed as she fumbled on the floor for the light and clicked it on, breathing hard.

He loomed up over her as her heart pounded, a big guy, dressed in black: black pants, black T, black denim jacket. He looked like he’d been hacked out of a block of wood: strong, weathered face; black, flat eyes--shark eyes, she thought, if this guy had come for me, I’d be dead—cropped dark hair going gray at the temples, now a little bloody on the right; tense, hard, squared-off body, all of it alert and concentrated on her. But the thing she noticed most as she tried to keep from having a heart attack was that he looked like Joey. Younger than Joey, bigger than Joey, but he looked like Joey.

She swallowed. “Who are you and what the hell are you doing in here?”

“I’m Shane. Joey sent me.” He jerked his head toward the kitchen, no wasted movement. “Who’s out there?”

Agnes got to her feet, wishing she had her frying pan back. “Shane. Okay, Shane, thank you for scaring the hell out of me, but this is my house, so I’ll ask the questions.” She took a deep breath. “Joey sent you. Why?”

“I’m here to protect some kid. Little Agnes?”

“That’s me,” Agnes said.

There was a silence long enough to hear crickets in, and Agnes thought, If he makes some crack about me being not little, I’m gonna hit him again, and then he spoke.

“I’m here to protect you,” he said, sounding resigned. “Unless you hit me again, in which case, whoever I’m supposed to save you from can have your ass.”

“Protect me.” That wasn’t good. She’d been worried about the police finding out about her record, but Joey thought she needed protected from something else, something only somebody like this guy could stave off. Which meant something was seriously wrong. Not that the guy who was a corpse in her basement hadn’t been a tip-off, but if Joey thought something was so bad that she needed this guy, it must be really bad because a guy like this could protect her from . . .

Anything.

Out in the front hall, the ugly black grandfather clock left behind by the house’s previous owner began to chime the hour in big gongs that sounded like Death’s oven timer, and Agnes looked at Shane again.

Big. Broad. Dark. Strong. Handsome if you liked thugs. Looked like Joey. And he was here to keep her safe.

How are you feeling right now, Agnes?

Could be worse.

“Okay, Shane,” Agnes said as the clock gonged twelve. “I got Joey in my kitchen, a cop in my front hall, a dead body in my basement, and you in my bedroom. Where do you want to start?”

Friday, December 29, 2006

SHE WROTE: Memory Lane

We're looking back over the posts because at one time we were going to make them into a book. Remember that, way back in the beginning? Then the year overwhelmed us.

From: Bob Mayer
To: Jenny Crusie
the glorious lives of best-selling authors
sorta pathetic
but good

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
Been reading the blog have you?
I am, too.
How did we survive?

From: Bob Mayer
To: Jenny Crusie
Fortitude

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
Ignorance.
If we'd known, we'd have run screaming like babies.

From: Bob Mayer
To: Jenny Crusie
Nope.
I thrive on challenges

But I've been reading them again and you know, they just might make a book. Especially if we added some of the missing information, some even-more-behind-the-scenes info. Not all of it, we have some boundaries, but some of it was, in retrospect, pretty illuminating.

Like some of the fun things you missed. Remember when Bob fell in love with chocolate machine in Boston?
"The neatest thing so far on the tour has been this machine on the 7th floor of the hotel where you push this button and put this packet in and it makes hot chocolate. I am so addicted I think I broke it the first day making so many cups but they fixed it. Thank you SMP. I went up in the middle of Jenny's talk and made two cups and brought them back down. I got the hot chocolate jones. Also the machine is cool. You punch this button and the front slides open and you put this packet in, and it slides shut, then you push another and various lights blink and then it tells you the hot chocolate is done. Basically a gadget."
I got him that for his birthday. Broke down and gave it to him early as I recall. And he got me this amazing tapestry scarf and whenever I wear it, women cluster around and say, "Where did you GET that?" and I say, "Bob gave it to me," and I can see their eyes glaze over. He's a terrific writer, a dynamic teacher, he's funny, he's cute, AND he can pick out scarves. Then I say, "And he's been in a relationship for fifteen years." It's like throwing cold water on kittens, it's awful. But the scarf is amazing and he really did pick it out.

And the T-shirt. I cut it up with scissors in a hotel lobby in a white hot rage. That was bad. But he went off the rails a couple of times, too. We both had many minor transgressions. I think he lost the lizard socks. He seems definitely to have lost Moot. (Wait'll he gets a load of Flamingo Jill. It will be impossible to lose Flamingo Jill.) The worst of all was the time at the beginning of August that we ended the collaboration. You missed that part. We didn't want to traumatize you. I think it lasted about a week. That was a very bad week. Bad enough that we're pretty sure we don't want to go there again. Now we stick with time outs. Like "I'll talk to you again in ten years."

But we're already planning on the Living the Dream 2007 Tour, not that SMP has said they're touring us. Bob wants to do it by boat (I want him to buy the new MacPro 17" laptop so I can justify buying one, but he's insisting on the boat). He found a great used one for $5000 or "will trade." So we e-mailed:

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
Maybe they'll trade it for the Explorer.
And $4950.

From: Bob Mayer
To: Jenny Crusie
The Explorer runs very well, thank you.
I'm putting bunks in the back for the 2007 book tour

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
Excellent idea.
We need more alone time in a small space with a lot of carbon dioxide leakage.

From: Bob Mayer
To: Jenny Crusie
You know I could tax deduct the boat if we did a book tour up the Intracoastal.
Think SMP would go for it?

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
I don't know, but I would.
A lot of Agnes is on boats. We should have put more of it on. You've got the master. Write it in.

From: Bob Mayer
To: Jenny Crusie
email me from your new computer and I'll be on my sinking boat

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
We don't need no sinkin' boat.

From: Jenny Crusie
To: Bob Mayer
I crack myself up.

And then we went back to work on Agnes because the rewrite WILL be in to SMP on Jan 1 if it kills us both. Which it won't. Because judging from this blog, if 2006 and each other didn't kill us, we're indestructible.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

HE WROTE: Happy New Year

Shane sat on a bar stool, in a shady nightclub on the wrong side of the tracks in a bad part of Savannah, Georgia, and tried to estimate how many people he was going to have to kill in the next hour. Optimally it would be one, but he had long ago learned that optimism did not apply to his profession. He felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out with his free hand expecting to see the GO or NO GO text message from Wilson, and about damn time. There were only three people who had his number, and they never called to chat. One of them was across the dance floor from him, which left two options. He glanced at the screen and was surprised to see JOEY. Jesus. First time ever and he calls in the middle of a job. Shane hesitated for a moment, then thought, Hell, you gave him the number for emergencies, and hit the ‘on’ button. “Uncle Joe?”

“Shane, you on a job?”

“Yes.”

“Where you at?”

“Savannah.”

“Good,” Joey said. “Close. I need you home.”

Shane frowned. Home? You send me away at ten and now you want me home? “What’s the problem?” he said, keeping his voice cold. Twenty-five years you wait to call, this damn well better be a real emergency.

“I got a little friend needs some help. She lives just outside Keyes in the old Two Rivers mansion. Remember it?”

Fucking Keyes. Armpit of the South.

“Come home and take care of my little Agnes, Shane.”

You adopt another kid, Joe? Gonna take better care of this one? “I’ll be there in an hour.”

“I appreciate it, Shane.” Joey hung up.

Shane pushed the off button. Joey needing help taking care of something. That was new. Old man must be getting really old. Calling him home. That was--

“I’m a Leo—and you?”

Shane turned to look at her. Long blonde hair. Bright smile plastered on her pretty face. Pink T-shirt stretched tight across her ample chest with the word Princess embroidered on it in shiny letters. Effective advertising, bad message.

“What’s your sign?” she said, coming closer.

“Taurus with a bad moon rising.” The hell with Joey. He had a job to do. He looked at the office upstairs.

Two men in long black leather coats and wraparound sunglasses appeared in front of the office door. They took barely visible flanking positions at the top of the metal stairs, just as they had the previous evening at approximately the same time, which meant the target was in-house.

At home, so to speak.

Fucking Joey, calling him home now, in the middle of a job.

“Do you come here often?” Princess asked, coming still closer, about three inches too close. He scooted back on his stool slightly.

“Never.” Except for the reconnaissance the previous evening. He looked up again. Too many people had seen The Matrix, he decided as he took in the bodyguards’ long jackets and shades.

The Matrix probably hadn’t even played in Keyes yet.

Princess came in closer, her breasts definitely inside his personal space. “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a painter.”

That’s what Joey used to tell people. I’m a painter, he’d say.

Enough with Joey.

Shane glanced across the room. Carpenter was in place, his tall, solid figure near the emergency exit, the flashing lights reflecting off his shaved, ebony skull. I paint them, Carpenter cleans them. Shane nodded his head toward the guards ever so slightly. Carpenter nodded back.

“That’s cool.” Princess began to scan past Shane, probably looking for someone who’d play with her. She must found him because she smiled at Shane blankly and backed off. “Have a good one,” she said and was gone into the crowd.

The phone buzzed once more, and Shane glanced at the screen: GO. Finally. he secured the phone in his pocket, nodding once more at Carpenter, who nodded back and reached into one of his deep pockets. Princess was over by the bar now, dialing on her phone with a blank look on her face as she tossed her head to get the hair out of her eyes. Then she frowned and pulled the phone away, staring at it. Shane knew no one’s cell phone within two hundred feet would work as long as Carpenter kept the transmitter in his pocket working, jamming all frequencies.

He wove his way through the sweaty dancers to the bottom of the staircase and walked up, Carpenter falling in behind him. Both bodyguards stepped out, forming a human wall that he estimated weighed over four hundred and seventy pounds combined with another ten pounds or so of leather coat thrown in. Which meant they trumped him by over two hundred and seventy.

Fortunately two hundred and ten pounds with brains could usually beat four hundred and eighty pounds of dumb.

“Private office,” the one on the right growled.

Shane jabbed his right hand, middle three fingers extended, into the man’s voice box, then grabbed the face of the man on the left and applied pressure at just the right places with the fingertips of his left hand, thumb on one side, four fingers on the other. The man froze in the middle of reaching under his jacket, unable to move, while Carpenter caught the man to the right.

“Tell me the truth and live,” Shane whispered as he leaned close, ignoring the other guard’s desperate wheezing attempts to get air down his damaged throat as Carpenter took him back into the darkness of the landing. “Lie and die. Is Casey Dean here?”

“Uggh.” There was the slightest twitch of the head in the affirmative.

“Alone?”

“Uggh.” A twitch side to side.

Shit. “Left foot,” Shane said. “How many are in there? Tap your foot for the number.”

The foot hit the ground twice, then halted.

“Good boy.” Shane shifted his fingers slightly and pressed. The man dropped unconscious to the floor. Carpenter already had the other man down, sleeping with the leather. At least they’d be warm.

Shane reached inside their coats and retrieved their pistols. He placed one in his waistband in his back, and kept the other one out, safety off. He stepped over them as Carpenter reached down and grabbed the back of each man’s jacket and dragged them to a small janitor’s closet and tumbled them in. Then he turned and faced the stairway to make sure no one else came up. He wasn’t wearing leather.

Shane walked down the hallway to the bright red doorway with a prominent No Trespassing sign hung on it. He kicked it right at the lock, the wood splintered and he stepped in and to one side, eyes taking in the dimly lit scene, pistol up, sweeping the room in concert with his eyes in split-second pie slices.

Movement. Two people. A man. Seated behind a desk. A redhead standing on the other side, leaning forward, palms down on the desktop, her skimpy halter top hanging loose, exposing her breasts. Great, Shane thought. I had to hit at playtime.

Shane strode across the room as the man jumped up and the woman turned, looking surprised. The man was reaching for a jacket when Shane hit him with a cat paw fist strike to the solar plexus, making him thump back on the couch, gasping in pain and floundering, out of commission for a couple of minutes at least.

The redhead lunged at Shane, who sidestepped her claws, grabbed her from behind, and used her momentum to slam her against the desk, pinning her to it. He got one arm in a half-nelson around her neck and pressed the barrel of the gun against the back of her head. He could feel her tight ass pushing back against his groin, and she began to grind as she struggled against him, putting her arms flat out on the desktop and looking over her shoulder angrily. He shoved her shoulders down on the desk and saw a small tattoo of a compass on the small of her back, just above her jeans. Like somebody needs directions there, Shane thought.

She pressed back harder against him with her ass.

“Stop it,” he said.

“Oh come on,” she whispered. “You like it. Come on, we can work this out, you and me. I can--”

Shane pulled the gun back and tapped the barrel, lightly, against the back of her skull.

The girl cursed and rubbed her head. “What the fuck?”

“This is business and you are not part of it. Stay there.” Shane backed away, keeping the barrel aimed at her and when she didn’t move, he glanced at the man who was still gasping for air. Not a problem.

Then Shane reached inside his jacket and pulled out an airline ticket. He tossed the plane ticket on the desk in front of the woman. “You’ve got a problem, here’s the solution. A voucher you can use at the airport tonight. Enough for a one way ticket anywhere in the world.”

The redhead stared at him and then she began to fasten her halter top.

“You don’t ever want to come back to Savannah again,” he told her. “This man hangs with bad men, and they’re going to remember you were here and come looking for you.”

The girl was nodding, reaching for the ticket at the same time she tried to put her jacket on.

“You can go, but if you say anything to anyone on the way out, you will die.”

The girl was still nodding like a bimbo bobble-head doll, one arm in her jacket, the other with the ticket in hand. Shane kept one eye on her struggles as he focused his attention back on the man gasping on the couch. When she was ready and holding the ticket in one hand and her purse in the other, Shane pulled out his phone and hit the speed-dial for Carpenter. “You got one civilian coming out. Redhead. Let her go.”

There was a telling moment of silence. “A witness.”

“A civilian coming out,” Shane repeated.

“Roger,” Carpenter said.

Shane nodded to the redhead and she scuttled to the door and was gone.

Shane turned his attention back to the man. “Same deal for you, my friend.” He slapped another ticket voucher on the coffee table.

“Who—“ the man coughed and tried again as he managed to get to a sitting position. “Who—are--you?”

“Doesn’t matter who I am,” Shane said. “I’m gonna ask you some questions. Answer honestly, you take this ticket and go. Lie and die.”

The man’s face was shiny with pain and exertion, but he wasn’t giving up. “What—do—you—want?”

“You were hired to by the mob to kill someone the US Government would prefer stay alive.”

“Listen, we can make a deal—”

“I am making you a deal.” Christ, this was like talking to some jackass from Keyes.

“Well, I’d like to deal,” the man said. “But you got the wrong person here. I think you got me mixed up with somebody else--”

Shane hit him, an open-handed slap that was more insult than injury. “You’re wasting my time, Casey Dean,” he said, and the man flinched when he heard the name. “The people I work for do not make mistakes. Unlike you.”

“Really, I’m not—”

Shane reached out and jabbed his thumb into Dean’s shoulder, hitting a nerve junction, and the guy jumped as if struck by an electric shock. “Now here’s the deal. You tell me what I want to know and forget about the hit, fly away, and never come back, and it’s the same to me as if you were dead.”

Dean rubbed his shoulder, eyes darting about the room. “That’s it?”

“That’s it.” Shane slid the ticket voucher across the table.

Dean looked at Shane. “You’re really gonna let me go if I tell you what you want and forget about the contract?”

“No. I’m gonna let you go if you forget about the hit and give me the names and contact information of whoever hired you and the name of the target.”

Dean shook his head. “I can’t give the contractor up. He’ll kill me.”

Shane brought the gun level with the point right between the man’s eyes. “Which is worse? The possibility he might kill you in the future or the certainty I will kill you in the next ten seconds?”

“Shit.” Dean slumped, looking suddenly very old. “Listen, I’m just a business manager. A cut out. I’m not a—”

Shane pressed the muzzle of the gun hard against the man’s skin just above his nose.

Dean’s eyes turned inward, mesmerized by the barrel. “I’m telling you, I don’t know the contractor’s name. I just got a call that services were needed.”

“Who’s the target?”

“Didn’t get it yet. I swear.”

Great. Dean was an idiot, but there was a ring of truth in that.

“Listen, I’m cold. Can I get my jacket?”

Shane looked at him, almost pitying him in his stupidity. The dumb fuck has a plan. He pulled the gun back. “Sure.” His assignment was to take out Casey Dean, world class hitman, but if this guy was a world class hitman, Shane was Princess’s date to prom. Some guys were all PR, no game, and Casey Dean was sure as hell turning out to be one of them. Must have been born in Keyes.

When Dean had put on his jacket, he looked downright confident, his eyes sly as they went to the desk. “So I really don’t know anything, but I’m definitely leaving town, just like you said. Okay, if I get my passport from my desk drawer?”

Shane nodded. You bet. Commit suicide with my gun. That’s what I’m here for, pal.

The man turned his back and opened a desk drawer, and Shane brought his gun up.

Dean swung around, a small gun in his hand, and Shane fired two quick shots, both hitting him in the chest. Dean fell back, disappearing behind the desk.

Below, the music pounded, drowning out everything. Shane walked forward, gun at the ready and rolled the man over, surprised to find there was still a spark of life in his eyes. Not surprised to see his two shots were so tightly grouped they appeared to be one hole, but not happy to see them an inch off target.

Fucking Joey, making him lose focus. Fucking Keyes. Fucking little Agnes, too, whoever she was.

A funny look came over the man’s face as Shane aimed the gun at his forehead. His eyes blinked rapidly. “You’re wrong,” he gasped, playing the odds to the end. “We can make a deal.”

“Oh, come on,” Shane said. “You know who and what you are, Casey Dean. You lied. You’d have completed the contract because otherwise you’d never get another job.”

“No, you’re wrong--” the man began, and Shane fired, the round making a perfect black hole in the center of his forehead.

Mission accomplished.

Shane pulled out his cell phone and hit number 3 on the speed dial.

It was answered on the first ring: “Carpenter.”

“Painting’s done. You’ll have to help him on to the next world on your own, Reverend. I won’t be at debrief.”

There was a brief moment of silence. “Wilson won’t like that.”

“The target had no information on contractor or target.”

“Roger.”

Shane put the phone away.

Then he strode across the room toward the window, reached under his shirt, retrieved the heavy duty Kevlar snap link attached to the rear of his body armor, clipped it to a bolt holding a drain pipe, turned outward and jumped, the carefully coiled bungee cord snapping out until it jerked him to a halt three feet from the street and bounced him back up half the distance. As he went down the second time, Shane pulled the quick release and landed on all fours. Right next to his Defender SUV.

Keyes again.

Fuck.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

SHE WROTE: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Celebrate the Season Whatever It Is . . .

One fine August evening, as Joey “the Gent” Torcelli sat in his deserted diner on the outskirts of Keyes, South Carolina and talked on the telephone and rubbed his gun arm to ease his arthritis; and as beyond Joey’s diner the wildlife in the swamps of Keyes County began to emerge into the deep blue dusk of the twilight and cogitate upon ways to make the encroaching darkness aid them in their endeavors both nefarious and recreational; and as beyond the swamps the last of the evening sun disappeared into commingling waters of the Blood River and the Intracoastal Waterway outside the kitchen windows of the white-columned plantation house known as Two Rivers; Agnes Crandall stirred crushed raspberries and sugar in her heavy non-stick frying pan and defended her fiancé to the only man she’d ever trusted.

It wasn’t easy.

“Come on, Joey.” Agnes cradled the phone between her chin and her shoulder and frowned over the tops of her fogged-up black-rimmed glasses at the raspberries, which were being annoying and uncooperative, much like her fiancé lately. “Taylor’s a terrific chef." Which is why I’m still with him. "And he’s very sweet.” When he shows up. “And we’ve got a great future together.” Assuming we’re ever together again.

Joey snorted his contempt, the sound exploding through the phone. “He shouldn’t leave you all alone out there in that house like that. You should find somebody better.”

“Yeah, like I have the time,” Agnes said, and then realized that wasn’t the right answer. “Not that I would. Taylor’s a great guy.”

“He’s a mutt, Agnes,” Joey said.

Agnes took off her glasses and turned up the heat under the raspberries, which she knew was courting disaster, but it was late and she was tired of playing nice with fruit; the raspberries were about to find out who was boss. “Cut me a break, Joey. I’m behind on my column, I’ve got the Mothers coming tomorrow, I’ve got--”

“And there’s Rhett,” Joey said. “How’s Rhett?”

“What?” Agnes said, thrown off stride. She stopped stirring her berries, which began to bubble, and looked down at her dog, draped over her feet like a moth-eaten brown overcoat, slobbering on the floor as he slept. “Rhett’s fine. Why? What have you heard?”

“He’s a fine healthy-lookin’ dog,” Joey said hastily. “He looked real good in his picture in the paper today. You did, too.” He paused, his voice straining to be casual. “How come old Rhett was wearing that stupid collar in that picture?”

“The collar?” Agnes frowned at the phone. “It was just some junk jewelry--”

The oven timer buzzed, and she said, “Hold on,” put down the phone, and took the now madly bubbling berries off the heat with one hand. Rhett picked up his head and barked as she reached for the oven door to get the tray of cupcakes inside, and Agnes turned, raspberry pan in hand, to see what he was upset about.

A guy with a gun stood ten feet away in the doorway to the front hall, the bottom half of his face covered with a red bandana.

“I come for your dog,” he said and pointed the gun at Rhett who was now baying at him, and Agnes said, “No!” and slung the raspberry pan at him, the hot syrup arcing out in front of it like napalm and catching him full in the face.

He screamed as the sauce and then the pan hit him, pawing at the scalding fruit and dropping his gun to rip the bandana away as Rhett went for him. Agnes ran around the counter and scooped up the pan as Rhett barreled into him, and the guy slipped in the syrup on the tiled floor and went down flailing in the doorway, hitting the back of his head on the marble counter by the wall and knocking off every cupcake she had cooling there.

“Goddamn it,” Agnes said, standing over him with her pan, ready to defend herself and her dog, her heart pounding.

The guy didn’t move, and Rhett began to hoover up cupcakes at the speed of light.

“Agnes?” Joey shouted from the phone on the counter. “What the fuck, Agnes?”

Agnes kicked the gun away into the housekeeper’s room and peered at the guy, trying to catch her breath. She was pretty sure that if he were conscious, he’d be twitching from the hot syrup, not to mention the slobber that Rhett was flinging his way.

When he didn’t move, she backed up to grab the phone off the counter. “Some guy just showed up here with a gun and tried to take Rhett,” she told Joey, breathing hard. “But it’s okay, I’m in control, I’m not angry. Much.” Goddamnit.

Where is he?

“On the floor, in the hall doorway. He hit his head and knocked himself out. Joey, why would anybody want Rhett?”

Fuck that,” Joey said. “Get the hell out of there. Take Rhett with you.”

“Like I’d leave him,” Agnes said, outraged. “I can’t get out. I told you, the guy’s lying across the hall door. I’ve seen all those horror movies. He’ll come to and reach up and grab me.”

“Get out the back door--”

“I can’t, Doyle’s got it blocked with screen and boards. I’m going to hang up and call 911.”

No, “ Joey said. “No cops. I’m comin’ over.”

“What do you mean, no cops? I--”

The dognapper stirred.

“Wait a minute.” Agnes put the phone on the counter and held the frying pan at the ready, hands shaking, as she craned her neck to look closer at the dognapper.

Young, just a teenager. Short. Skinny. Limp dirty dark hair. Stupid because if he’d had any brains, he’d have grabbed Rhett when he went out for his nightly pee. And now that he was unconscious, pretty harmless looking. She probably outweighed him by thirty pounds.

As she calmed down, she could hear Dr. Garvin’s voice in her head.

How are you feeling right now, Agnes?

Well, Dr. Garvin, I’m feeling a little angry that this punk broke into my house with a gun and threatened my dog.

And how are you handling that anger, Agnes?

I never touched him, I swear.

The boy opened his eyes.

“Don’t move.” Agnes held up her pan. “I’ve called the police,” she lied. “They’re coming for you. My dog is vicious and you don’t want to cross me, either, especially with a frying pan; you have no idea what I can do with a frying pan.” She took a deep breath, and the kid glared at her, and she looked closer at his face, seeing the lurid welts of singed skin where the raspberry had stuck. “That’s gotta hurt. Not that I care.”

He worked his battered jaw, and she held the frying pan higher as a threat.

“So, tell me, you little creep,” Agnes said, “why were you trying to kill my dog?”

“I weren’t tryin’ to kill the dog,” the boy said, outraged. “I wouldn’t kill no dog.”

“The gun, Creepoid,” Agnes said. “You pointed a gun at him.”

“I was just gonna take him,” the boy said. “There weren’t no call to get mean. I weren’t gonna hurt him. I wouldn’t hurt nobody.” He touched the sauce on his face and winced.

The boy closed his eyes, and Agnes was reaching for the phone again when he rolled to his feet and lunged for her. She yelped and smacked him hard on the head with her pan, and he staggered, and then she hit him again, harder this time, just to make sure, and he fell back onto the floor, blood seeping down the side of his face, and lay still. She felt a qualm about that, but not much because it was self defense, and he’d broken into her house, he’d scared the hell of her, he had no right—

Violence is not the answer, Agnes.

That depends on the question, Dr. Garvin.

--and she was not out of control, she was not angry, she was calm, she was shaking but she was perfectly fine, and anyway it was non-stick pan, not cast iron, so she was fairly certain she hadn’t done any permanent damage.

Fingers crossed, anyway.

Beside him, Rhett collapsed, overcome by the number of cupcakes still on the floor.

“I hate you,” she said to the unconscious boy. Then she picked up her phone, and said, “Joey?”

Don’t do anything, Agnes,” Joey yelled, the sounds of traffic in the background. “I’m on Route 17. I’m almost there.”

“That’s good,” Agnes said, realizing her voice was shaking, too. “He’s just a kid, Joey. He said he wasn’t trying to hurt anybody--”

The kid lunged to his feet, and Agnes screamed again and dropped the phone to swung the pan again, but this time he was ready for her, ducking under her arm and butting her in the stomach so that she said, “Oof!” and fell backward against the counter. She scrambled to her feet as he tried to backhand her, and she ducked and swung the pan again and hit him in the head, really hating him now, and then she hit him again, and then she couldn’t stop, she hit him over and over gritting her teeth, and he yelled, “Stop it, stop it!” and grabbed for her while she pounded him, driving him back toward the hall door, she heard herself screaming at him, “Get out, get out, I hate you, get out of my house, get out of MY HOUSE!!!” as he lurched back, his arms across his head, and then he stepped in Rhett’s water dish and fell back into the wall, all of his weight hitting it as she swung at him, and then he fell through it, screaming.

Agnes froze, the frying pan raised over her head, as he disappeared, and then the wall was solid again, and she heard a thud, and the screaming stopped, cut off, and there was nothing.

She stood there with the pan over her head for a moment, stunned, and then she lowered it slowly and clutched it to her chest, warm raspberry sauce and all, her heart beating like mad. She stared dumbfounded at the wall, waiting for a moment to see if he’d come rushing back through, like a ghost or something. When nothing happened, she went over and pushed cautiously with the pan on the place where the kid had disappeared.

It swung open and shut again, the hideous wallpaper that had covered it now torn along the straight edge of a door-frame.

“Oh,” Agnes said, caught between amazement that there’d been a swinging door behind the wallpaper and fear that there was also a crazed moron behind there.

“Agnes!” Joey yelled on the phone.

Agnes took a deep breath and stepped back to the counter and picked it up. “What?”

What the fuck happened?

“There’s another door in my kitchen, right next to the hall door.” Agnes went back and pushed it open again, avoiding the rusted, broken nails that lined the doorway edge, and peered into the darkness. There was no floor in there, she realized. It just opened onto a black void. “Huh.”

“Where’s the kid with the gun?”

“Good question.” Agnes dropped her wimpy non-stick skillet on the counter, yanked open the utility drawer by the door, and got out her heavy-duty flashlight. She turned it on, shoved the door open with her shoulder, and pointed it into the void.

What are you doing?” Joey yelled.

“I’m trying to see what’s behind this door. I didn’t even know it was here.”

Agnes, you can explore your goddamn house later,” Joey said. “Take Rhett and get the hell out of there.”

“I don’t think the kid’s a problem anymore.” Agnes held the phone with one hand and peered down into the pool of light the flashlight cast on the floor below as Rhett came to join her, pressing close to her leg so he could peer, too. “He fell into a basement. I didn’t even know I had a basement back here. Did you know--” She played the light around the floor and then froze when it hit the moron. “Uh oh.”

What do you mean, ‘uh oh’?

The boy was splayed out on what looked like a concrete floor and he did not look good.
“I think he’s hurt. He’s definitely not moving.”

“Good,” Joey said. “He fall down the stairs?”

“There are no stairs.” Agnes squinted down into the darkness as the light hit the boy’s face.

His eyes stared up at her, dull and fixed.

Agnes screamed, and Rhett scrambled back, stepping in the raspberry sauce, which he then began to lick up.

Agnes?

“Oh, God,” Agnes said, as her throat closed in panic. “Joey, his neck’s at a funny angle and his eyes are staring up at me. I think I killed him.”

“No, you didn’t, honey,” Joey said around the traffic noise in the background. “He committed suicide when he attacked an insane woman in the stupid house she bought. I’m almost there. You stay there and don’t open that door for anybody.”

“He’s dead, Joey. I have to call the police.” This is bad. This is bad. This is not going to look good.

“The police can’t help you with this one,” Joey said. “You stay put. I’m gonna get you somebody until we figure this out.”

“Some body. Right.” Agnes clicked off the phone and looked back down at the dead body in her basement.

He looked pathetic, lying there all twisted and dead-eyed. Agnes swallowed, trying to get a grip on the situation.

How are you feeling right now, Agnes?

Shut the fuck up, Dr. Garvin.

Don’t say “Fuck,” Agnes. Angry language makes us angrier.

Gosh darn, Dr. Garvin, I’m feeling . . .

She put the beam on the boy again.

Still dead.

Oh, God.

Okay, calm down, she told herself. Think this through.

She hadn’t killed him, the basement floor had.

You hit him many times in the head with the frying pan, try explaining that one.

Okay, okay, but he’d attacked her in her house. It was self-defense. Yes, he was young and pathetic and heartbreaking down there, but he’d been a horrible person.

Why do you always hit them with frying pans, Agnes?

Because that’s what I always have in my hand, Dr. Garvin. If I were a gardener, it’d be hedge clippers. Think how bad that would be.

She punched in 911 on her phone, trying to concentrate on the good things: Rhett was fine, Maria’s wedding was still on track, her column would be finished eventually, Two Rivers was starting to look beautiful and it was hers, well, hers and Taylor’s, pretty soon she was going to be living her dream, and her cupcakes were burning but she could make more cupcakes—

There’s a dead body in my basement and I lost my temper and I hit him with a frying pan many times, I was not in control--

“Keyes County Emergency services,” the police dispatcher drawled.

“There’s a dead body in my basement,” Agnes said, and then her knees gave way and she slid down the cabinet to sit hard on the floor as she tried to explain that the kid had broken into her house and had been going to hurt her dog while Rhett drooled on her lap.

“A deputy is on the way, ma’am,” the dispatcher said in the same drawl, as if dead bodies in basements were an every evening occurrence.

“Thank you.” Agnes hung up and looked at Rhett.

“I have to make cupcakes,” she said, and he looked encouraging, so she got up to get the blackened cupcakes out of the oven and clean the floor and get back to work, thinking very hard about her column and Maria’s wedding and her beautiful house and everything except the dead body in her basement and the goddamned frying pan.

SHE WROTE: Tick, tick, tick . . .

Bob and I have been over at the new blog, painting and putting the last few nails in. Well, actually, Mollie's been doing most of the heavy lifting, but we've been helping. We've had the beta testers in and they've found the glitches, we've put up posts and taken them down, and now we're taking a break before we go live on the first. But we didn't forget you. Nope. The next post is our gift to you, and the one after that is our Happy New Year. If Bob remembers to put it up.

Any way, season's greetings, whatever season you're celebrating, and we hope you're staying warm and happy wherever you are.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

HE WROTE: It was the best of times, it was the . . .

We're coming down to the end of the year. It's cold out. I had to close the sliding glass door this morning. A dolphin just jumped out of the water and landed with a splash. Guess it was cold.

I'm working on the 2007 Blog. Starting from scratch. Using all that I've learned over the past couple of years. So it's going to be an interesting experience.

2006 lasted a very, very long time. There were many good things and some not so good things. I'm trying to recover all the blog entries from this year and put them in one document. Should make for interesting reading.

Jenny has been hacking and slashing at Agnes. I've got a good chunk of it and will print it out and go over it with the red pen over the weekend. I'm currently using the red pen on Chasing The Ghost. I'm just about done, then key in the changes, and I think it's ready to send in.

Also working on the Sanctuary proposal. We're going to have a hero and heroine who will have a lot more conflict between them than our previous characters. They're going to be very different people who are going to have to learn to work together. Yet, it will also require them to arc, well, I know at least my guy is going to have to change over the course of the books. He's going to need redemption in many ways, which is the strongest of character arcs. Of course, he won't be like the guy in A History of Violence. Not redeemable. Should make for an interesting experience in writing. My character in Chasing the Ghost, Horace Chase, has a similar path and I've really enjoyed refining his character.

Sixteen more days until the end.
Nothing but good times ahead.
We're doomed.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

SHE WROTE: DLD the Paperback

Here it is, the paperback cover of Don't Look Down. The closed cover is on the left, the open stepback is on the right. The only thing that's changed on the real cover is that Lucy's pants on the stepback are denim blue instead of purple and JT is wearing black boots instead of dress shoes (Bob almost had a coronary).

It jumps right off the shelf at you, much edgier than the hardcover jacket, and I'm thrilled with it. Out May 1.

And now back to cutting fifty pages--that's 12,500 words--out of Agnes before Monday. Because Jen said so, that's why.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

SHE WROTE: New Blog Smell

I swear, you could cut the paranoia here with a knife.

You can get into all of the CherryForums without registering EXCEPT the craft forum. That will include the HWSW forum in January. I put the test under the craft forum because I thought, duh, that's where it would go, forgetting for the moment that it was the only one you had to register for. My mistake.

You have to register for that one because that's where people actually talk about their work so that's the one place we thought people would want to feel protected. Any place else, anybody can just walk in and post. The craft topics, we actually talk about the stuff in our stories, give away all kinds of content, and while we're probably being over-protective, that's kind of the Cherry way. We want you feeling safe. But really, you could have gone on any of the other boards without registering and I should have put the HWSW test somewhere else. I just forgot you had to register for craft.

Mollie is the one who approves you. All she does is click "approve." The only thing she checks for is to make sure you're not spam. Sometimes she goes out for coffee. Occasionally she has dinner. At night she sleeps. I told her you were heading her way so she stuck closer to the computer than usual and you should have been approved fairly rapidly once the e-mail got to her, but as I said, sometimes she eats. You know kids these days.

But everything seems to have gone pretty smoothly. I no longer worry about the first week in January when we start the new year. The only other thing is to remember that this isn't where we'll be in January, but again, I think there'll be a link here on Dec. 31, and if not, you can always find the new blog through my website. And JenT is right, as always.

Also, you're going to LOVE the new blog. Everytime I go over there I giggle at how cool it is. It's like moving into a new house. It has that new car smell. Which is what Bob said when he got into my car. I said, "That's what every guy who's gotten into this car has said. What is it with guys and new car smell?" He said, "How many guys have been in this car?" Five, if you want to know, but I still want to know, what is it with guys and new car smell? Women never say that when they sit in my car.

You're going to love the new blog smell on the new site. I'm just saying.

Thank you for going over the cliff. It was very helpful.

Monday, December 04, 2006

SHE WROTE: This Is a Test

We're starting to get next year's workshop blog lined up. It won't be here on Blogger, so if you have trouble finding it next year, you can always go to jennycrusie.com and click on the link there to get to it. It'll have an rss feed and also an rss for the comments which is nice. I think. And you wouldn't believe how great the interface is. It's searchable so you can find old topics with no problem and there's a table of contents . . . Mollie has done an amazing job again.

Anyway, this test is for the forums. As you know, we'll post the first craft post on Sunday and then follow-up on Thursday, and then on Saturday we'll stop the comments and move everything on that topic over to the CherryForums where the discussion can go on forever if you want. I'm just not sure how to move you there. So I put the revised syllabus up over there
and invited people to criticize it. This means you. Now I want to see how much trouble people are going to have getting there from here. I don't want to shove a bunch of lemmings off a cliff the first week in January. So I thought I'd shove just a few lemmings off a cliff the first week in December. Once again, you.

So to see if this works, I'd appreciate it if some of you would go to Cherry Forums. I posted the syllabus in Writing Craft which is under the Writing Topic but you can't see it because you have to register to get in there. Registering is easy, just click on "Register (newbies!)" (that's Mollie talking) and choose a username, give your e-mail (no salemen will call and you will not be put on a mailing list although mine is really cool) and put in a password. Once you're approved (takes about ten minutes), the Writing Craft topic miraculously appears above "Writing Life" and you click on it and then go to the HWSW Writing Topics and see if you like where I moved POV. No, it's not next week. (We ask people to register for the craft topic because people discuss their work there and it's the one place we figure should be protected.) When we put up the HWSW Discussion Board, it'll be right there under Writing Life, so you won't have any trouble finding it.

In other news, Bob and I may be MIA for awhile. We're on the last week of Agnes and it's really crunch time. It's good stuff and we're happy with it, but we're not doing much except typing and sending terse e-mails. For example, we just discovered we have characters named Franklin and Frankie. It takes a year to see this. And Wilkes and Wilson. How do we miss these things? Then there are the big fixes. But we're doing good. We'll just be gone for a couple of days.

Now go over that cliff. Thank you.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

HE WROTE: In The Beginning

I was thinking this morning of the first booksigning Jenny and I-- her and I-- did. It was on Long Island. Way out on Long Island. I was reminded, yes, naturally, of the Seinfeld episode where George drives his dead fiancees parents to the tip of Long Island pretending he had a house there. Anyway-- it seems like forever ago. As the Grateful Dead say: What a long strange trip it's been.

In the beginning we had a cocktail napkin with notes Jenny scribbled- she denies this, but it's true. The Kukumu Bar in Mau-- and no, they weren't serving alcohol yet. A woman who runs a B&B or a film producer. And I teach The Original Idea: have something that will send a shiver down someone's spine. Yawn. Then we had a food critic and a hit man. Which Jenny is still wrestling with on her whiteboards as you know from her web site.

Now we have a former mercenary turned head of security; and the vice president of guest relations at the most exclusive resort in the world. They aren't going to like each other much when they first meet. He'll be dirty, grungy, bloody, and just wanting a cold beer when he gets off the floatplane. She's be cool, calm, collected and sharply dressed, waiting to greet the inbound movie stars who are having a clandestine affair at the resort. Sparks will fly, mayhem will ensue. In my Hollywood pitch I'm calling it "Moonlighting, with a darker edge and more action, in a resort setting."

Back to the cocktail napkins.